What's You

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, jon rosenburg, and mike thompson

I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The old man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am i happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage

And tells me i smell like piss
His drink, jimmy bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe

Asleep i pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when i was a young talking goat
The old man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of europe
That's where i met the old man
He was lost in the woods, i gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "hey goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "sure, why not, i've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"

So we went off to america
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the old man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"a talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"she'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!

Well, i just couldn't believe it
After all theses years i finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "i'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief

To soothe himself he drank a pint of old granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "send me back to the hills of europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."

Present day, i've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the am radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what i have to say
But i guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle i need a bidet

But you know there was a night that i did get off the truck
When the old man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time i got off the truck
The music made me lose control

The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat-ass!

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till i nerviously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot

Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!

They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said i was a dead fucking goat meat
But then i saw a sight
That i never thought i'd see

The old man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"

The long hairs ran away screaming
As i scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the old man said,
"goat, you broke the sacred law
No! please! sorry! shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!"
Super! great! okay!

"thank you old man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"

"i'm not your friend, i don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my head
(faint voice)Oww Oww Oww, your hurting me old man
That night, I suffered a concussionn
Deep inside my goat brain
I still cannot feel my tailbone
And i'll probably never walk straight again

I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the old man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock

He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, once again, i go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck

Goodnight, old man!
Yeah, goodnight goat!

Performed by adam sandler, alan covert, and jon rosenberg

6 what's the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
It's okay, momma will take care of you
Not really sick, but don't you know i still say i am
Dad just mumbles, "there goes my girlie son acting up again"
How could you be my kid
Mom knows i'm faking it
But she understands what'll happen if i go
The last four days
The tough guys have been on a roll
They show him no mercy
Plenty of name calling
And pushing my head in the toilet bowl
They call him a loser
But they won't get their hands on me today
'cuz home with momma is where i'm gonna stay

We're pickin' daisies
Who cares about them anyway
Pickin' daisies
They'll all be working for you someday
Pickin' daisies
They're just jealous of you
Pickin' daisies
Next year you'll go to private school

Can't play sports or games
I'm only really good at reading
He can't catch a football
Apparently that's not too cool
That's why my nose is usually bleeding
Plus they give him fat lips
At this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head
But i'll be safe today, i know 'cuz momma said

We're pickin' daisies
Who really cares what they think
Pickin' daisies
You should talk about it with your shrink
Pickin' daisies
They'll all end up in jail
Pickin' daisies
Marshall's is having a sale

I know tommorrow it'll all start up again
He'll be greeted with a head-lock
And all i can do is sit and pray for the weekend
But i know when i'm older
I'll look back and laugh
At all those kids who pulled my pants down
And took that photograph
'cuz we'll be through with kickball
We'll all be weak and slow
But i will be the only one
With a magic place to go

Pickin' daisies
You're better off in the end
Pickin' daisies
Who cares, i'll be your friend
Pickin' daisies
You can always count on me
Pickin' daisies
I made you some iced tea
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
You are too very handsome, just not in a traditional way
When i was a kid, we didn't have video games, we had pinball, but i could learn
Well, they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs
You can come to aerobics class with me and wathc, all the ladies love you
Who needs brand name shirts? yours is the same thing without a fancy tag
Why don't you go to sleep? and when you wake up, then i'll play you the eddie fisher record

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, and jon rosenburg

Where's my peggy sue?
I could use a rosalita
If there's a long tall sally out there
I'm dyin' to meet her
Why can't i hear beth callin' me?
Why can't i be the one to make sara smile?
I wish i was arm in arm with jean genie
Walkin' down the aisle

Oh yeah, all right

But i got no mary jane
There's no sloopy or dancin' queen
I'm just a fool in the rain
Waitin' on my billie jean

I want an angie, a mandy, a candy-o
A devil in a dress of blue
A rosanna, diana, a sweet caroline
I'd even take a run-around sue

Oh yeah, all right

Well, i never got to scream for a layla
I never saw mary-anne walkin' away
I never danced on the sand with a rio
Or woke up with a maggie may

I dialed 867-5309
But there was no jenny jenny
Oh, why can't i get myself a brown-eyed girl
When willie nelson loved so many?

And why does jack have diane?
And why does billy joe have bobbie sue?
And everybody had roxanne
Except you-know-who

I want an angie, a mandy, a candy-o
A devil in a dress of blue
A rosanna, diana, a sweet caroline
I'd even take a run-around sue

Well i'd take any ol' suzy q
I got no reason to be picky
She can be a goody-goody-two-shoes
Or she can be my darling nikki

Oh, brandy would be such a fine girl
And so would the sweet judy blue
I guess i sound just like that other fella
'cause you know i wish i had jessie's girl too

Oh yeah, all right

Well, i'd die for a kiss from allison
Even though i know she'd break my heart
Or give me a lo-lo-lo-lola
Minus the extra part

I want an angie, a mandy, a candy-o
A devil in a dress of blue
A rosanna, diana, a sweet caroline
I'd even take a run-around sue

You know i'd even take a run-around sue
Well, i'd even take a run-around sue

Oh yeah, all right

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, and jon rosenburg

Schnine
He's a pretty good guy
He's nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your school candy bars
He's a real nic guy
He's always got the jumper cables
He'll take your mail in when you're on vacation
He's a good-hearted man
Volunteers at the library
He'll help you find a book on whales
He's a thoughtfull man
Rememers your birthday
Says god bless you when you sneeze

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
He'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

He's a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a short-cut
He's a real sweet guy
He always recycles
Referees the junior high basketball for no pay
He's a great, great man
He'll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your new haircut

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
South of the boyda
He's wanted for moyda

Here he comes
Hey larry, how ya doing?
How's the garden coming?
You know, it's interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, read tomatoes
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four
I'm a sick man
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

[chanting]
I never loiter
After committing the doity deed of moyda
Only sigmund freuda
Knows why i cannot and will not stop committing moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder

Performed by adam sandler, don heffington, and v. gervickas

Respect
Respect
You gotta show the fucking respect

[repeat over and over]

Performed by adam sandler, allen covert, jon rosenburg, and teddy castellucci

Me, i'm the lonesome kicker
Extra points, field goals at your service
One might think it comes with glory
You might think different after you listen to my story

My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask
What it possibly could protect, i do not know
The other guys on the team
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads
And also like to hide the special shoe
I need to kick in the snow

People think it's so easy
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line
They forget to add seven yards for the snap
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back

In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line
But some of the players were running into them
And getting hurt
So screw the kicker
Who cares about the kicker?

But i kick that ball
And i pray it goes straight
If it does
The coach says "good job, number 8"
He doesn't even know my name is
Andre kristacovitchlalinski, jr.
But that's the life i live
The lonesome kicker

Kickoffs can be so very scary
Especially, if the returner breaks on through
And i'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him
I don't want to get hurt
So i pretend to tie my shoe

Once again, i'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches
"go back where you came from!"
Scream 70,000 fans
Well, i know i could win their love back
By catching a winning touch-down
But, unfortunately, i was born with these very small hands

And i hope that the cameras don't come in too close
'cause they might see the tears in my eyes
As i sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood
And the splinters go deep in my thighs
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by
The lonesome kicker

Another blocked kick
And everybody blames me
But it was the left guard
Who didn't pick up his man
Oh, why can't they see...

In my home country
I could have been a minor league soccer player
But i came to america
Seeking fortune and seeking fame
I didn't realize that if i shanked one
And blew the point spread
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi
After the game

So i go home at night
'cause i never get invited
To go drinking with the other guys
And i sit in my chair, and i soak my foot
As i eat a plate of cold french fries
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend
And my son can't look me in the eyes
But that's the life i live
The lonesome kicker

Kicking for you
They took my snow shoe
They're going for two