They're Al

Performed by adam sandler and steve koren

[phone rings]
[mr. spindel picks it up]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
Student: [whispering] "hey mr. spindel. how's algebra class going?" [chuckling]
Mr spindel: "whut!?"
Student: [whispering] "you're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th period!" [chuckling]
Mr spindel: "hey! who is this!"
[student hangs up phone]

[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "who is this!?"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "answer me!"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "who is this!?"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "for god's sake! who are you!?"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[dial tone]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[dial tone]

[operator recording playing "if you'd like to make a call..."]
Mr spindel: "who is that!?"
[recording continues]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[recording continues]
Mr spindel: "who are you!?"
[recording continues]
Mr spindel: "please answer me!"
[silence]

[bleeping noise]
Mr spindel: "oh god! who is this!?"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "please stop it! why are you doing this!?"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "why!? why!?"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "just tell me your name."
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "please."
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "i'm gonna hang up!"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "i'm warning you!"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "hullo!"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "whoever this is, i'm gonna hang up!"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "that's it!"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "damn you kids!!"
[bleeping]
Mr spindel: "damn you!!"
[slams down phone]

[phone rings]
[mr. spindel picks it up]
Mr spindel: "hullo?"
Ted: "yeah, bill."
Mr spindel: "oh, ted!"
Ted: "i've been trying to get through to you forever. who have you been talking to?"
Mr spindel: "i don't know. so help me god! i don't know!"

Performed by adam sandler, rob schneider, david spade, jennifer lien, andrew leeds, meghan andrews, and robert smigel


[silverware clicking]
M1: "can you pass the beats please?"
F1: "here you go"
M1: "thanks"
Brad: "hey mom, guess what? i got invited to a party tonight! and i'm gonna go if that's ok with you."
Mom: "nooo!!"
Brad: "why not mom?"
F1: "yeah, why mom? he should go."
Brad: "it's gonna be fun. i'll get to meet new people..."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
Brad: "oh mom..."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
F1: "don't wory brad."


F2: "hey mom, i saw this great skirt at the mall today, but it was $34, which isn't that high of a price, but i was nervous to buy it. what do you think?
Mom: "nooo!!"
F2: "really? i really like it..."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "oh mom, who is?"
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "mom, you're so paranoid."
Mom: "nooo!!"

M3: "hey mom, i gotta get up pretty early tommorrow for little league try-outs."
Mom: "nooo!!"
M3: "yeah, i have to be at the field at 9 o'clock..."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "do you think you could drop me off there?..."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "how am i gonna get there?"
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "i'll walk i guess."
Mom: "nooo!!"

Cindy: "mom, can you pass the salad dressing?"
Mom: "nooo!!"
Cindy: "please?"
Mom: "nooo!!"
Cindy: "come on, mom."
Mom: "nooo!!"
Brad: "i'll get it for you cindy."
Cindy: "thanks brad."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
Cindy: "thanks for the tip, ma."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"

Brad: "hey everyone, let's just go out for ice cream."
Mom: "nooo!!"
Brad: "why are we eating inside? it's a beautiful night. we need to get out more."
Mom: "nooo!!"
Cindy: "mother, brad is right."
Mom: "nooo!!"
Cindy: "we should go out, it'll be fun."
Mom: "nooo!!"
Cindy: "come on, let's go, i could go for some maple walnut."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "yeah, we haven't gone out together in a long time."
Mom: "nooo!!"
Cindy: "you wanna come dave?"
Mom: "nooo!!"
Dave: "no, i'll hang out with mom."
M1: "you sure?"
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "yeah, go without me."
M3: "all right, see you guys later."
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"

Dave: "how are you, mom? great meal tonight. sure is... you sure know how to cook! boy, oh boy, you're quite a lady. say mom, uhm, can i go canoeing next weekend with my friend barry?"
Mom: "nooo!!"
Dave: "please?"
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "mom, you're over reacting!"
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "why are you so overprotective!?"
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "mom! i'm going to the ice cream place! you're just so set in your ways it drives me crazy!"
[bangs on the table, gets up]
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at you!"
[screen door closes]
Mom: "they're all gonna laugh at him!"

Performed by adam sandler

When i'm feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken

I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken

People say you're using me
In your heart you're a killer
But i know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don't you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can't i.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawking bawk,
Bawk, bawk, bawking bawk

You're my love
My little chicken likes
To wear garter belts

"and now, the sever beating of a high school janitor."

[mopping sounds]
Mop, mop, mop
All day long
Mop, mop, mop
While i sing this song

[sound of someone walking towards him]
Gonna wax the floor
Gonna make it shine
Gonna take of the spray paint
With turpentine

"hey! don't walk there! i just mopped!"
[person walking quickly towards him]
[beating sounds]
"hey!"
[beating sounds]
"get offa me!"
[beating sounds]
"that's my bucket!"
[beating sounds]
"let go of my side burns!"
[beating sounds]
[sound of falling down into glass]

"they wanna hear the thanksgiving song! all right.."
"this is uhh, this is the thanksgiving song"
"i hope you enjoy it."

[starts playing]
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey

Shout from crowd: "i love you adam!"
Adam sandler: "ohhh, i love you!"
Love to eat turkey
'cause it's good
Love to eat turkey
Like a good boy should
'cause it's turkey to eat
So good

Adam sandler: "that clappin's messing my head up man. i appreciate it. but i was trying to think of the next line and all i hear is clapping. here we go... thanks anyways"

Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
In my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With betty grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then i take a nap

Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy walker used to say dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the mets traded darryl strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe tyson
Gave that girl v.d.

White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And i got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My cheryl tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother likes to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy davis jr.
Only had one eye

Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh i love turkey on thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving everybody!

Performed by adam sandler, rob schneider, david spade, tim meadows, tim herlihy, and robert smigel

[moving train]
"next stop! coopersville!"

[two guys talking]
"hey buddy"
"buddy!"
"how was the bathroom buddy, pretty gruesome?"
"buddy, i had to hold my breath buddy!"
"eheh buddy, don't even tell me about it buddy!"
"buddy i know."
"buddy, m&m's?"
"chocolate me, buddy!... tasty buddy!"
"buddy definitely"
"hey get in on this drink buddy!"
"buddy, don't mind if i do"
"it's a bloody, buddy"
"buddy, it's killer!"
"buddy!"
"sorry buddy"
"save me some buddy!"
"buddy i said i was sorry!"
"that's ok buddy"

[two more guys enter]
"hey dude!"
"hey buddy!"
"dudes, you know this dude?"
"what's up dude?"
"hey buddy"
"buddy, sit down"
"have some bloody buddy"
"dude"
"dudes, here's a sixer, budweiser time"
"yeah, bud buddy"
"yeah dude"
"cold ones dude"
"buddy, killer!"
[drinking]
"i'm buzzing buddy!"
"dude, i know!"
[female walking by]
"oh dude, check it, she's killer!"
"i want some of that buddy"
"oh buddy, save some for me"
"dude, that's my ex-girlfriend"
"oh, sorry buddy"
"just watch it dude!"
"hey lay off him buddy"
"dude, don't get him started"
"i said i was sorry buddy"
"dude, let's just drop it"
"buddy?"
"it's cool dude"

[two more guys enter]
"hey homey's"
"what's up homeys?"
"hey buddy"
"what's up dude?"
"just chillin' homey"
"cool buddy"
"yeah dude"
"buddy"
"homey"
"dude"
"homey"
"dude"
"buddy"
"dude, check it out, a prison"
"oh buddy, imagine being stuck in there"
"i know dude, that would suck"
"homey, my brother is in there"
"oh buddy"
"sorry about that dude"
"bummer buddy"
"bad timing homey"
"i know buddy"
"sorry dude"
"not your fault homey"
"i know, but buddy"
"no, it's cool homey"

"dude, there's another train on this track"
[sound of another train]
"uh buddy, it's coming at us"
[train horn sounding]
"dude!"
"homey!"
"buddy!"
"buddy!"
"homey!"
"dude!"

[trains crashing]
"dude?"
"buddy, my head"
"homey, get off me"
"buddy, i can't see"
"what just happened to us dude?"
"homey, i told you, we should have taken the bus!"

Performed by adam sandler and conan o' brien :


"and now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college."

Dean: "well michael, i would like to extend my warmest congradulations on your upcoming graduation and i understand you are interested in matriculating here in the fall."

Buffoon: "i got a snake, man!"

Dean: "yes, pets are welcome here on campus. be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile."

Buffoon: "one time i fed it some beer man! it was slithering this way and that! it was all fucked up!"

Dean: "i'm sure it was. well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students and pets here on campus."

Buffoon: "fuckin' shit!"

Dean: "yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. so tell me a little bit more about your background."

Buffoon: "my father's a fucking asshole, man!"

Dean: "hmm, i see. your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son."

Buffoon: "my mother's a piece of shit too!"

Dean: "well, i hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to learn."

Buffoon: "my teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! she had her head way up her ass!"

Dean: "well the quality of the faculty at a university such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school."

Buffoon: "your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!"

Dean: "yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."

Buffoon: "i had diarhea last month. i had to shit all fucking day!"

Dean: "uh huh, well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a pleasurable experience. so have you given any thought to your choice of major?"

Buffoon: "i've got a big fucking boner right now."

Dean: "i see. well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods of nervous tension. i do not take offense."

Buffoon: "one time i ate my neighbors shit!"

Dean: "that's understandable. well, i enjoyed meeting you. we'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month."

Buffoon: "i bet you got really hairy balls."

Dean: "yes, it's a veritable forest down there. bye bye."

Performed by adam sandler, david spade, tim herlihy, steve koren, and tim meadows

[typical library sounds, squeekin chairs/doors]

[talking quietly]
M1: "ms. murphy is such a pain, man."
M2: "we just had a test a week ago. now we gotta take another one tommorrow. this sucks!"
M1: "and it counts for 80 percent of our grade."
M2: "well we better study our butts off."
M1: "well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library."
M2: "ok, enough talking, let's study!"
M1: "all right."
[turning pages]

[heavy steps]
M2: "uh oh"
M1: "oh no! fatty mcgee is coming. we'll never get any studying done with him in the library."
[heavy steps continue]
M2: "oh god, he's taking the stairs! that means he's going to be way out of breath!"

[fatty whining, try to catch breath]
M1: "oh no, he's going to sit with us."
Fatty: [annoying whining voice] "hey fellas, studying for the big test?"
M1: "uh, yes fatty, we were."
Fatty: [still trying to catch breath] "great! i'll join ya."
[fatty pulls out chair and falls into it, still whining horribly]
M2: "hey fatty, why don't you go to the bathroom 'till you catch your breath?"
Fatty: "no, no, i'm catching it!"
[fatty continuing to whine and snort]
M1: "ok, ok fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we're trying to concentrate."
Fatty: [continuing to wheeze and whine louder] "sure, no problem."
M1: "oh man."
Fatty: [still snorting and whining loudly] "this test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know."
[whining continues even louder]
M1: "yes fatty, we know, we just said that."
[wheezing continues a little softer]
M2: "fatty! please keep it down!"

[fatty makes snoring/whining sounds]

M2: "is he sleeping!?"
M1: "no, it's his deviated sceptum. seriously fatty, keep the breathing down." [snoring stops, more weird noise starts]
M2: "ahh geez fatty, what's wrong with you!?"
Fatty: [pausing, snorting] "i'm trying."
[whining continues]
M1: "fatty, you know what's going to happen! stop breathing so heavy! please we gotta study!"
[whining gets higher and higher until it's continuous]
M2: "oh no, that one's going to do it!"

[fire alarm sounding, fire trucks honking their horns, sirens reeling]
M2: "fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!"
Fatty: [continuing his loud annoying whine] "i'm sorry!"
Fireman ray: "fire! man the building!"
M1: "sorry fireman ray, it's not the fire alarm."
Fireman ray: "fatty mcgee, is that you again!?"
Fatty: [stillin whining annoyingly] "yes." [snort] "sorry." [snort]
Fireman ray: "didn't we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?"
Fatty: [whiney voice] "but i like the stairs!"
Fireman ray: [annoyed] "why!?"
Fatty: [still whining horribly] "they're fun!"
Fireman ray: "oh fatty mcgee, you're the fattest!"
[everyone laughing at stupid joke]
[raspberry]

Performed by adam sandler

"and now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver."

[kids getting on the bus]
"how are ya, bryan?"
"good morning, lisa."
"good to see ya, tommy!"
"hey, good morning, cyle! nice new backpack!"
"watch your step now, joseph."

"uhh, young man. can i help you? can i see your bus pass, please?"
[beating sounds]
"sir, please!"
[beating sounds]
"i drive with that hand!"
[beating sounds]
"children! call for help!"
[beating sounds]
"holy geez, no!"
[beating sounds]
"that's me! oh yes, oh!"
[beating sounds]
[final crack, horn sounding]