What The Hell Happened To Me?

Performed by adam sandler

"okay...
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of christmas songs out there and uhh..
Not too many chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little jewish kids who don't get to hear any chanukah songs.
Here we go..."

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are jewish just like you and me
David lee roth lights the menorah
So do james caan, kirk douglas, and the late dinah shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the carnegie deli
Bowser from sha na na and arthur fonzerelli
Paul newman's half jewish, goldie hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' jew

You don't need "deck the halls" or "jingle bell rock"
'cause you can spin a dreidel with captain kirk and mr. spock- both jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for chanukah
The owner of the seattle supersonicahs
Celebrates chanukah

O.j. simpson, not a jew
But guess who is? hall of famer rod carew- he converted
We got ann landers and her sister dear abby
Harrison ford's a quarter jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that ebenezer scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three stooges
So many jews are in showbiz
Tom cruise isn't, but i heard his agent is

Tell your friend veronica
It's time to celebrate chanukah
I hope i get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy chanukah
Happy chanukah

Performed by adam sandler and allen

Transcribed by big brother.

[sounds of basketball being shot around]
Sandler: "hey man, i'm joining a religious cult."
Allen: "now, that's ridiculous."
Sandler: "well, i'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too."
Allen: "what are you talking about?"
Sandler: "hey, don't fuck me on this, man, just sign up."
Allen: "no, i'm not going to join a cult!"
Sandler: "i can't believe you're pulling this shit on me after monday night --"
Allen: "what?
Sandler: "-- i wanted to watch monday night football and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show -- i did that for you!"
Allen: "yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game."
Sandler: "i wanted to see the fuckin' score! whadda you gotta do that's so fucking importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?"
Allen: "well, i was gonna go sunbathing."
Sandler: "oh, boy, no no, i don't think you should do that. because this guy, russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --"
Allen: "-- yeah --"
Sandler: "-- he was rambling on during one of the speeches about the sun being bad, like the beast can't come out because the sun's too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something -- you
Up all sunburned and that guy's gonna get pissed at you and me!"
Allen: "well, i'm not in the cult, so i don't have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!"
Sandler: "look, i'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy's been saying -- some of it makes a lot of sense!
Allen: "well, good, but i don't want to join the cult. we can still hang out; i just won't be in it with you."
Sandler: "the point is, i'm not gonna have time to hang out with you because i'm gonna be fuckin' busy with this fuckin' cult!"
Allen: "so i'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out."
Sandler: "no, the weekends are like the busiest time -- that's when we go to flea malls and fuckin' malls and talk people into joining, man!"
Allen: "can i join for just a little while? i told my dad i'd go visit him in florida in three weeks."
Sandler: "well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now."
Allen: "what's the hurry?"
Sandler: "there's a girl i wanna meet there, what the fuck's your problem?"
Allen: "well, i mean i don't really have to believe in this stuff, do i?"
Sandler: "no, no, just fuckin' tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go, "yeah, fuck the sun, i fuckin' hate it too, long live the fuckin' beast."

Allen: "i don't know, man. this is crazy."
Sandler: "look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're gonna get food --"
Allen: "-- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?"
Sandler: "it's gonna be a haircut, all right? you said you need a haircut, they're gonna fuckin' cut your hair. you're going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin' do it!"
Allen: "do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?"
Sandler: "yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one for you!"
Allen: "well, all right. but, hey, if i don't like it, i'm going to escape, man."
Sandler: "ok, that's up to you."

"three weeks later!"

[chanting repeatedly] "the night time is the right time! the night time is the right time!"
Sandler: "hey buddy, are you glad you did this?"
Allen: "oh, this is the best thing i ever did. thank you."
Sandler: "you're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?"
Allen: "you know, it's like they said. it was the only way to save him."
Sandler: "you're a good guy."
Allen: "you're a better one."
[chanting resumes]

Performed by adam sandler and lisa mordente

Transcribed by the brave raven.

Adam: you don't mind that i think everybody's a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
Lisa: and you don't mind that all of my pants are way too short on me and i also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
Adam: and you don't care that i collect dead animals from the side of the road then pretend they're alive and think i'm a famous football player
Lisa: and you don't have a problem with me when i follow people i've never met before and force them to look at the portrait of neil diamond i have tattooed on my back
Adam: it's very pretty, baby
Both:
Well you must have been sent from above
You're all that i can think of
You're just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
Adam: well it never bothers you when i wear my snowsuit to bed every night and i make you speak in tongues to me until i fall asleep
Lisa: blah bloo blah bloo bloo
Adam: thank you
Lisa: and you don't make fun of me 'cause i still make out with my stepfather and i also tell everyone i was on a ufo for two and a half years
Adam: i believe you sugarpie
Both:
'cause our love is right on track
I'm yours, your mine it's a fact
Don't forget to take your prozac
My crazy love
Adam: well yesterday i tickled a man who wasn't even there
Lisa: oh three days before that i ran down the street in my wonder woman underwear
Adam: i didn't care babe i know i never had a job 'cause i'm afraid to talk to people 'cause i know that they're all robots who are seeking information
Lisa: they can't fool you sweetheart and i know that you know that i'm the one who burned my cousin chester's house to the ground but you told the cops we were out ballroom dancing when the came
Questioned you
Adam: i ain't no fink, dollface
Both:
'cause we know that it's true
Only i could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
Lisa: my crazy, crazy love
(spoken to end)
Adam: oh i wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
Lisa: i feel the same way would you throw some macaroni on me?
Adam: oh yeah, here you go
(splurt)

Performed by adam sandler

Transcribed by the brave raven.

I'm sitting in my chair watching the tv
It's not even on but there's plenty for me to see
I just lit some crazy ass shit
That my friend overnight mailed to me

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit i ever tasted
I think they fucking laced it
Cause i'm so damn lambasted

Oh my friend came over so i packed him a pipe
I told him he better go easy with this shit but he didn't believe the hype
He sparked three bows just to show he could take it
Two minutes later he was playing backgammon naked

He's fucking wasted
It's the best shit he ever tasted
He's lost in fucking spaced-ed
Cause he's so wicked wicked wasted

Oh i spent the last two hours
Hiding under my bed
Cause i looked in the garbage can
And i think i saw my uncle louie's head

I'm fucking wasted

Well my friend blew a hit into my pet bird's face
The bird laughed hysterically and started to moonwalk all over the place
He tripped over the toaster wire and fell on his beak
He looked at the two of us and he started to speak

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit i've ever tasted
My brain's been erased-ed
Well fucking fried

I'm sitting in the bathtub wanting something to eat
I wanted a pizza the bird said pepperoni would be sweet
Delivery guy showed up four hours later, handed me his shoe
I said we ordered pizza buddy, what the hell's up with you

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit i ever fucking tasted
Oh fucking shit

I'm way too baked

Performed by adam sandler, frank, and randi

Transcribed by a fan

"and now a cow at bat in the bottom of the 6th inning of a little league game getting hit by a pitch"

[baseball sounds and cow bell ringing,ball is hit and hits cow]
Cow: moo

"and now a cow who goes skydiving for the very first time, and thinks his parachute isn't gonna open when it finnally does 40 feet from the ground"

[plane sounds]
M1: alright cow, don't even think about just jump and enjoy the ride down, quit being a pansy and do it
Cow: moo
[ripcord sounds]
Cow: moo,mrr
[parachute opens]
Cow: moow
[thud]

"and now a cow who goes to the chicken hot drivethru and then gets halfway home before realising they forgot his french fries"

[cow opening paper bag]
Cow: moo,moo
[car screeches, and turns back around]
Cow: mrr

"and now a cow winning first prise in the bellyflop contest at spring break and then realises he can't swim"

[cow walking towards pool, big splash]
Cow: moo
[crowd cheering]
Cow: mrr,mrr
[underwater moo]

"and now a club gets a dance at a classy strip club, when a bouncer notices he doesn't have any shoes on"

F1: ohh baby you like it when i dance with you
Cow: moo
F1: uh uh uh, you can't touch that
Cow: moo
Bouncer: keep your hands off the girl
Cow: moo
Bouncer: hey cow, you got no shoes on you gotta leave
Cow: moo
M2: hey watch it cow

"and now a cow playing tennis against farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle when the farmer makes an obvious bad call"

[tennis ball being hit]
Farmer: that was out
Cow: moo
Farmer: don't tell me it wasn't cause i saw it and that was out
Cow: moo
Farmer: by at least 3 feet that's how far, come in look there is still a mark where it's out
Cow: moo
Farmer: don't tell that was from an old ball, that was this ball and this ball was out
Cow: mrr
Farmer: you cannot see from that angle
Cow: moo

"and now a cow recieves a phone call who he thinks is from a famous actor but he soon finds out it's just a practical joke"

[phone rings, cow picks it up]
Farmer: hello may i speak to the cow
Cow: moo
Farmer: hi, i'm a famous actor
Cow: moo
Farmer: oh, thank you very much, i was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me
Cow: moo
Farmer: why don't i make reservations?
Cow: moo
Farmer: and why don't i tell you my real name? farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle
Cow: mrr
Farmer: take that fatty
Cow: mrr
[slams down phone]

"and now a cow gets his revenge on farmer stinky thumbs arbuckle"

[car sounds]
Farmer: pull over, pull the vehicle to the side of the road, i am warning you for the last time.
[car hits farmer]
Farmer: oooh
Cow: mooooooooooooo

Performed by adam sandler

Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(it's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'cause my friend puked in the back
(it's a piece of shit)

(piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(he's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(that fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no cd player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(they can bite his ass too)
And i got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day i hear "hey, watch it asshole"
(you fuckin' piece of shit)

(piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(he got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(that fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(never gets him very far)

Oh what the fuck did i do
What the fuck did i do
What the fuck did i do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But i'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(what a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance i'll ever bang her
(he never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car

(you got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(you got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(you got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(you got a piece of shit car)
(piece of shit car)
(you got a piece of shit car)
(piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks i'm a loser
(you got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(piece of shit car...)

Performed by adam sandler

Transcribed by drkxpacdx.

Hey you guys, i just wanted to thank you for listening to the record and i hope you had as much fun as i did and here's one last little diddy just for you.

I used to ride my big wheel, and sell lemonade,
Eat popcorn with grandpa while we watched the parade
But now i'm only happy when i'm drinking j.d.
What the hell happened to me?

I used to have fun throwing snowballs with my best friend billy
And mom would make us cocoa if we got too chilly
But now i only get excited when i see a girl pee
What the hell happened to me?

I used to be the nicest kid in the neighborhood
I only did the things that momma said i should
But now i just do whatever i want
I even whipped it out in a restaurant

I used to help clean the park in the middle of town
And then played kickball til the sun went down
But now all i do is get vd,
What the hell happened to me?

It makes no sense
I can't believe i ended on me
I'm out of my gourd
Won't somebody please, help me?

A do-do-do-do doo a do-do waa do-do-we-oh

I'm kind of a wierdo

Performed by adam sandler and kevin

Transcribed by big brother.

[typing sounds]
Dr. stewart: hi, [i'm] dr. stewart.
Gary phelps: hi, dr. stewart. nice to meet you -- i'm gary phelps.
Dr. stewart: my pleasure. gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
Gary phelps: no, i haven't. i'm actually quite nervous, but i just, uh, i --
Dr. stewart: all right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
Gary phelps: to be honest with you, i saw your name in the yellow pages, and it said you're good at this stuff, so i just, i gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
Dr. stewart: so smoking is your problem?
Gary phelps: yeah, i can't stop smoking and it's -- it's finally, like, affecting everything i do, i can't run, i can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so i, i gotta give it up.
Dr. stewart: how long have you smoked, gary?
Gary phelps: uh, i started when i was eleven years old, and i just can't kick it, you know?


Dr. stewart: yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart] all right, gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax -- what i do is hypnosis.
Gary phelps: right.
Dr. stewart: basically i just want you to sit back and relax -- let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust me.

[bigger fart]
Gary phelps: [noticing fart sound] uh...
Dr. stewart: that's it.
Gary phelps: o-kay....
Dr. stewart: that's it.
Gary phelps: that was...o-kay...
Dr. stewart: all right? okay. gary, i want you to close your eyes, and i just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. okay? that's it. now i'm gonna count backwards from five
Ro --
Gary phelps: right.
Dr. stewart: -- and i just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable, i'll be counting back from five, i just want y
Relax, and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
Gary phelps: are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
Dr. stewart: hmm? just concentrate now. that's it. close your eyes. keep your eyes closed. okay. now. we're very comfortable. five [small fart], we're thinking of nothing except being comfortabl
Nothing's bothering us. okay. when i say the word "relax," listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
Gary phelps: oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Dr. stewart: please just try to relax; that wasn't me. okay. you're very stressed -- you're very stressed. okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable, you're very, very
Ed. okay. four, three...[fart]
Gary phelps: oh my dear god, sir...uh, i can't...
Dr. stewart: that was the couch. i know it sounded like -- it's -- the vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. okay. and we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing
Ers us, nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
Gary phelps: uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? i'm just having a tough time concentrating --
Dr. stewart: hmm? here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing [fart and cough together] three, two, two --
Gary phelps: i was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that. i can't concentrate when you're doing that.
Dr. stewart: this is what i do. it's a counting-down thing. we're relaxing now. just relax -- let it go, don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here. three, two, rela
Lax, that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
Gary phelps: okay -- you're gonna -- that one was -- it's getting a little irritating --
Dr. stewart: hang on just a second here. let me just step out a second here.
Gary phelps: that'd be good.
Dr. stewart: all right, and we're relaxing, as i leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
Gary phelps: jesus...oh my god.
Dr. stewart: we're relaxing.
Gary phelps: [trying hard not to laugh]
Dr. stewart: okay, i'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down, we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air. freshness. breathing in. breathing in deep, letting out. [

Gary phelps: sir, i'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'. but okay, okay, fine, thank you.
Dr. stewart: that's it, you're all right, everything's good. all right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair, we're relaxing, one [long fart], and we're coming down to zero a

Gary phelps: oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
Dr. stewart: no, no, that time that was you.
Gary phelps: that wasn't me!

Dr. stewart: we're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um
's not worry about anything else that's going down --
Gary phelps: ok, i've just gotta kick this habit.
Dr. stewart: down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh [fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice, deep breath --
Gary phelps: i can't breathe, sir, uh, i'm sorry, i just -- ["squirty" fart]
Gary phelps: oh my god -- what did you eat? it smells like baby food --

Dr. stewart: all right, we're relaxing -- that one probably squirted out a little into the pants, but we'll just continue with thte floating [fart] -- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but h
E go, one, zero, we are under. are you relaxed?
Gary phelps: yeah, i'm under, i guess.
Dr. stewart: here we go, relaxing, relaxing. you're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and
Will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me, it wasn't me farting [fart] -- that was not me --
Gary phelps: [hysterically laughing under his breath] you're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. it's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
Dr. stewart: you're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down, nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
Gary phelps: oh man...
Dr. stewart: -- that was you,
Gary phelps: that was not me, sir! i'm watching you!
Dr. stewart: that was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. all right -- you smell noth
I'm perfectly clean. i have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. and let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. no smoking. repeat after me: i am
Lly pig.
Gary phelps: what?
Dr. stewart: all right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart] all right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
Gary phelps: ok, you know, i think this is fine, i don't want to smoke...
Dr. stewart: gary, settle down, relax, and when i get to five, you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this, especially the smell, the smell was from you. all right? and here we go. ze
E're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up, you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty,
Pped that one out there and i apologize. i ripped a good one there. that was a nice out..
Gary phelps: that was not nice.
Dr. stewart: here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
Gary phelps: what was that?
Dr. stewart: that was three.
Gary phelps: it didn't sound like three.
Dr. stewart: three, i'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] do you want a cigarette?
Gary phelps: no i don't.
Dr. stewart: then my job is done.
Gary phelps: [bursts into laughter]
Dr. stewart: [fart] please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
Gary phelps: ok, thank you, doctor.

[typing resumes and another fart is heard]