 Running With Scissors » Lyrics [+ Lisätä +] |
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1. _ Albuquerque
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2. _ Germs
Sometimes i really want to be alone
But that's one state i'm never in
Because i know that i've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin
(germs) i rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(germs) but they just come right back
(germs) i can't even see 'em, but i know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
Now if i ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning i wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque
(germs) can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(germs) and there's more comin' every day
(germs) i never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmin' in my drink
They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
I got 'em way up my nose
In every orafice
I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
Just gimme some lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don't tell me i'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
Look under the microscope
See??
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
They're all over me
I can feel 'em all over me
Over every part of me
Microscopic bacteria
I know they're watching me
They're always watching me
They're coming after me
Microscopic bacteria
Won't somebody help me
Please somebody help me
You've got to believe me
They're out to get me
They wanna control me
They wanna destroy me
They're tryin' to kill me
It kind of upsets me
more free lyrics |
3. _ Grapefruit Diet
who's that waddlin' down the street
It's just me 'cause i love to eat
Fudge and twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? yes, i am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Might seem a little sever
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!
Well, i used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like kate moss
Walked down an alley and i got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck
When i'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When i leave a room
First i gotta grease the door
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Can't have another eclair
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
I gotta decrease my derriere
I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet
No more pie now
No more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. cheese nacho
Stay away
Oh i think i'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But i need a boomerang
When i put on my belt
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Lay off the 3 musketeers
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
'cause i haven't seen my feet in years
I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet
I think i'm about ready for a quarter pounder with extra cheese
I need a side order of onion rings
And don't forget to super-size that
more free lyrics |
4. _ Truck Drivin' Song
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope i don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While i'm waiting for my nails to dry
Oh, i always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, i sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight
Because i'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels-a-rollin' until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
Oh, i don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when i hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch
But still i'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While i'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And i'm late for my appointment down at my hair salon
So i'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on
more free lyrics |
5. _ The Saga Begins
A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And i thought me and qui-gon jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met jar jar and boss nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to theed to see the queen
We all wound up on tatooine
That's where we found this boy...
Oh my my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
"soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
And he can use the force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, i knew he built c-3po
And i've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute jabba started off that race
Well, i knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
"soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
Now we finally got to coruscant
The jedi council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the force?
They interview the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because yoda sensed in him much fear
And qui-gon said "now listen here"
"just stick it in your pointy ear"
"i still will teach this boy"
He was singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
"soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
We caught a ride back to naboo
'cause queen amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the jedi i admire most
Met up with darth maul and now he's toast
Well, i'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess i'll train this boy
And i was singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
"soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
We were singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "soon i'm gonna be a jedi"
more free lyrics |
6. _ It's All About The Pentiums
It's all about the pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the pentiums, baby
It's all about the pentiums, baby
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
Yeah
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at hewlett packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of ram
I never feed trolls and i don't read spam
Installed a t1 line in my house
Always at my pc, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, i ain't afraid of y2k
I'm down with bill gates, i call him "money" for short
I phone him up at home and i make him do my tech support
It's all about the pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie i've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a dorito?
You're usin' a 286? don't make me laugh
Your windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, i bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of sarah michelle gellar
And postin' "me too!" like some brain-dead aol-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like old yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to hellen keller
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at hewlett packard?
Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like i do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before i opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? i dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "etch-a-sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your cpu, in a box of cracker jacks?
Play me online? well, you know that i'll beat you
If i ever meet you i'll control-alt-delete you
What? what? what? what? what?
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at hewlett packard?
What??
more free lyrics |
7. _ Pretty Fly For A Rabbi
Veren zol fun dir a blintsa
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say i'm pretty fly for a rabbi
Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho
Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, i tyhink he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to dies for - he really knows his shtick
So how's by you? have you seen this jew?
Reads the torah, does his own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say "vay iz mir!" and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! hey! do that hebrew thing!
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say i'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)
He shops at discount stores, not just any will sufice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!
People used to scoff, now they say "mazel tov!"
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? what's not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white breath with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! hey! do that hebrew thing!
When he's doing a bar mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quitehhhhhip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho
He's doin' well, i gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says "shalom"
And "have some cake - you want some cake?"
Yah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, i'm so ferklempt that i could plotz
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! hey! do that hebrew thing!
more free lyrics |
8. _ Your Horoscope For Today
aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
Speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole seventeen hours a
Day
Pisces
Try to avoid any virgos or leos with the ebola virus
You are the tru lord of the dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
Watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to meryl streep
Taurus
You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
Back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through
Your chest
Cancer
The position of jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in
The mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's
Test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
Face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
Strawberry quik
Virgo
All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the
Relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep
Significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give
You my assurance that these forcasts and predictions are all based on solid,
Scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not
To reaize that every single one of the is absolutely true.
Where was i?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that
You
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts
Next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of ernest borgnine you've got hanging in
Your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
They're lying
If i were you, i's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never
Leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today
more free lyrics |
9. _ The Weird Al Show Theme
Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhose in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story
Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tatooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the earth (of the earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth
Then one day al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a beart trap and al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on tv
So he gives al a contract and whaddya know
Now he's got his very own weird al show
(much unintelligeable talking and yelling)
more free lyrics |
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