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1. _ The Plumbing Song
(announcer: "who fixes plumbing problems in a flash? twenty four hours a day? seven days a week?")
Baby, i sure wish i could lend you a hand
But plumbing's one thing i don't understand
It's true (haven't got a clue)
B-b-b-baby, i can tell you've got a big problem
When i flush the john, then your shower goes on
(baby) now watcha gonna do?
If drano's a joke and your plunger is broke
Baby, call the mensch with a monkey wrench
(baby) he'll be there for you
Shower's backing up (up, up)?
Water won't go down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Sink's been stopped up all summer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call the plumber
He'll know what to do
Pipes been blowing up
Pipes been breaking down
And the carpet's soaked... right through
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, kitchen's flooded, too
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, girl, you know it's true
B-b-b-betcha this guy makes more than my lawer
If he works for one day, costs you half a year's pay
(baby) he can be here by 2:00
So if you've got cash, he'll be there in a flash
Makin' service calls in his overalls
(baby) he'll do his best for you
Sewer's backing up (up, up)?
Got you feelin' down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Leaky pipes are a bummer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Time to call the plumber
Maybe call a few
Got a problem with plumbing?
Gotta blame it on something
Blame it on the drain it was cloggin', cloggin'
Blame it on the faucet that drips all night
If hairballs, grease and goo
Won't let the water through
Blame it on the drain, yeah, yeah
When i flush the john, now when i flush the john
It turns your shower on
(roto-rooter 6-5000)
Ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call my plumber
He'll know what to do
(announcer: call now. we're in the yellow pages!)
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2. _ When I Was Your Age
Let me tell you sonny... let me tell you straight
You kids today ain't never had it tough
Always had everything handed to you on a silver plate
You lazy brats think nothing's good enough
Well, nobody ever drove me to school when it was ninety degrees below
We had to walk buck naked through forty miles of snow
Worked in the coal mines twenty two hours a day for just half a cent
Had to sell me internal organs just to pay the rent
When i was your age. when i was your age
When i was your age. when i was your age
Let me tell you something, you whiny little snot
There's something wrong with all you kids today
You just don't appreciate all the things you've got
We were hungry, broken and miserable and we liked it fine that way
There were seventy three of us living in a cardboard box
All i got for christmas was a lousy bag of rocks
Every night for dinner, we had a big 'ol chunk of dirt
If we were really good, we didn't get dessert
When i was your age. when i was your age
When i was your age. when i was your age
Didn't have no telephone, didn't have no fax machine
All we had was a couple cans and a crummy piece of string
Didn't have no swimming pool when i was just a lad
Our neighbor's mseptic tank was the closest thing we had
Didn't have no dental floss, had to use old rusty nails
Didn't have nintendo, we just poured salt on snails
Didn't have no water bed, had to sleep on broken glass
Didn't have no lawnmower, we used our teeth to cut the grass
What's the matter now, sonny, you say you don't believe this junk?
You think my story's wearin' kinda thin?
I tell you one thing, i never was such a disrespectful punk
Back in my time, we had a thing called discipline
Dad would whoop us every night till a quarter after twelve
Then he'd get too tired and he'd make us whoop ourselves
Then he'd chop me into pieces and play frisbee with my brain
And let me tell ya, junior, you never heard me complain
When i was your age. when i was your age
When i was your age. when i was your age
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3. _ The White Stuff
The white stuff, the white stuff
The first one was a sweet one
Second one was a blast
Soon i finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast
You can see 'em in my teeth
Tell it when i talk
Had so many my pancreas just went into shock
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
It's the most delicious thing i know
I've had a zillion or two
In my life, they're so right
My teeth are all rotted clear through
But who cares? what else am i supposed to do?
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, oh oreo
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, the white stuff
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, oh oreo
What's in the middle? the white stuff
The first time that i tried it
Got a big sugar buzz
Nothing gets me high as that sandwhich cookie does
But i love the filling most
I rub it on my roast
Mix it in with my coffee and spread it on my toast
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
Take some with me everywhere i go
Might get a pimple or two
Well, so what? it's all right
Now twinkies and ding dongs won't do
All i need... you know what it is
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, oh oreo
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, the white stuff
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, oh oreo
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, the white stuff
Oh oh oh-oh-oh, oh oreo
What's in the middle? the white stuff
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4. _ Trigger Happy
Got an ak-47, well you know it makes me feel alright
Got an uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's no feeling any greter
Than to shoot first and ask questions later
Now i'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Well, you can't take my guns away, i got a constitutional right
Yeah, i gotta be ready if the commies attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my smith and wesson
That ought to teach them all a darn good lesson
Now i'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
(oh yeah, i'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
(oh baby, i'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
(oh i'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or i'm gonna have to blow you away
Oh, i accidently shot daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It was just a lousy flesh wound, dad
You know, i'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh, i still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead
Well, i'm so trigger happy, trigger happy every day
(oh yeah, i'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
(oh baby, i'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
(oh i'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or i'm gonna have to blow you away
Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll all get liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves
Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, i'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I always keep a magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?
Because i'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
(oh yeah, i'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
(oh baby, i'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
(oh i'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes i'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or i'm gonna have to blow you away
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5. _ Smells Like Nirvana
What is this song all about?
Can't figure any lyrics out
How do the words to it go?
I wish you'd tell me, i don't know
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...
Now i'm mumblin' and i'm screamin'
And i don't know what i'm singin'
Crank the volume, ears are bleedin'
I still don't know what i'm singin'
We're so loud and incoherent
Boy, this oughta bug your parents
Yeah
It's unintel-ligible
I just can't get it through my skull
It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss(?)
With all these marbles in my mouth
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...
Well, we don't sound like madonna
Here we are now, we're nirvana
Sing distinctly? we don't wanna
Buy our album, we're nirvana
A garage band from seattle
Well, it sure beats raising cattle
Yeah
And i forgot the next verse
Oh well, i guess it pays to rehearse
The lyric sheet's so hard to find
What are the words? oh, nevermind
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...
Well, i'm yellin' and we're playin'
But i don't know what i'm sayin'
What's the message i'm conveyin'?
Can you tell me what i'm sayin'?
So have you got some idea?
Didn't think so -- well, i'll see ya
Sayonara, sayonara
Ayonawa, odinawa
Odinaya, yodinaya
Yaddayadda, yaaahyaaah
Ayaaaaaah!
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6. _ Airline Amy
Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight
She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight
Now lately i've been flying to all kinds of places
That i never really wanted to go
'cause i'll do anything just to spend a little time
With the sutest flight attendant i know
You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, airline amy
Tell me i'm your favorite frequent flyer, airline amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than airline amy
Every one of our dates is at thirty thousand feet
She always points out the exits to me, she's so sweet
You know she gets me my headphones for free
Refills my coffee cup whenevr i ask
And you gotta admit my baby looks pretty hot
When she's wearin' that oxygen mask
Well well, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, airline amy
Tell me i'm your favorite frequent flyer, airline amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than airline amy
Amy, darlin', don't you know you really drive me nuts
Every time you're handing out those honey roasted peanuts
Airline amy, this is my new mission
Gotta get you in an upright locked position
Oh yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, airline amy
Tell me i'm your favorite frequent flyer, airline amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than airline amy
Yeah yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, airline amy
You're the only woman i desire, airline amy found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher
No one else can take me higher
And no one else can take me higher than airline amy
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7. _ You Don't Love Me Anymore
We've been together for so very long
But now things are changing, oh i wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around
The passion is gone and the flame's died down
I guess i lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think i was nice
Now you tell all your friends that i'm the antichrist
Oh, why did you disconnect the breaks in my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore
I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, i'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?
You know, i even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft
Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometime i get to thinking you don't love me any more
You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers
Oh, you think that i'm ugly and you say that i'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while i was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead
Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me any more, oh no no
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore
(approximately 10 minutes and 2 seconds of silence)
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8. _ Taco Grande
Taco... grande. taco... grande
Yo quiero chimichangas y chile colorado
Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado
Las flautas y tamales, siempre muy bueno
Y el chile relleno
You see, i just gotta have a tostada, carne asada
That's right, i want the whole enchilada
My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla
I need a quesadilla
I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbón
With my friends, or when i'm all alone
Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero
Un burrito ranchero
So give me something spicy and hot, now
Break out the menu, what you got, now?
Oh, would you tell the waiter i'd like to have sour cream on the side
You better make sure the beans are refried
Taco... grande. taco... grande
Well, there's not a taco big enough for a man like me
That's why i order two or three
Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip
It's really good with bean dip
I eat uno, dos, tres, quarto burritos
Pretty soon i can't fit in my speedos
Well, i hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas
And a pitcher of margaritas
Well, the combination plates all come with beans and rice
The taquitos here are very nice
Now i'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese
And could you make that separate checks, please?
Taco... grande. taco... grande
"buenos noches, senor. bienvenido a el burritos casa de salsa. tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos si puedo recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso. sus ojos se quemaran, su e
Go estara en fuego, se quedaran en el baño por una semana, entiendes lo que digo gringo estupido tonto?"
Well, the food is coming, i can hardly wait
Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate!
What you think you're doing with my chile con queso?
Well, if you want some, just say so
Oh boy, pico de gallo
They sure don't make it like this in ohio
No gracias, yo quiero jalepeños, nada más
You can toss away the hot sauce
?donde estan los nachos? holy frijole!
You better get me a bowl of guacamole
Y uusted, eugene? why's your face turning green?
Don't you like pinto beans?
You want some more cinnamon crispas?
If you don't, hasta la vista
Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna
You can finish it mañana
Well, it's been a pleasure, i can't eat no more
Señor, la cuenta, por favor
If you ain't tried real mexican cooking, well, you oughta
Just don't drink the water
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9. _ I Was Only Kidding
When i said that i'd be faithful
When i promised i'd be true
When i swore that i could never
Be with anyone but you
When i told you that i loved you
With those tender words i spoke
I was only kidding
Now, can't you take a joke?
When i said that i need you, baby
When i told you that i really care
When i said that i can't live without you
When i said i'd follow you anywhere
When i said you could always trust me
When i said i'd never leave you flat
Well, guess what? i was only kidding, baby
I can't belieeeeve you fell for that! you're so gullible...
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) you thought that was for real?
I was only kidding
Now i'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) baby, baby, i was...
(i was) only kidding
Well, i guess i got you pretty good, now listen...
When i said that i love you, baby
From the very bottom of my heart
When i said that i miss you so badly
Every second we're apart
When i swore that you're just getting more and more
Beautiful every day
Well, i was only kidding, honey
What's the matter with you anyway? let me tell you something
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) you understand, don't ya?
I was only kidding
Well, i guess it probably hurts you alot, but you gotta know
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) come on now, get a clue
I was only kidding
I really love you... not!
When i said you oughta marry
When i said that we should settle down
Well, i was pullin' your leg there, honey
I was just foolin' around
You see, i -- i never meant to upset you, darlin'
I never meant to hurt anyone
I was only kidding, baby
Why don't you just put down that gun?
Let's talk this over
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) whatch where you're pointing that thing
(i was only kidding)
Hey, i'm sorry if your heart is broke... you gotta realize
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) aww, yeah
I was only kidding
Now, honey, can't you take a joke?
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) i was only kidding
(i was only kidding) i didn't lie to you
I was only kidding... yes indeed
(i was only kidding) baby, baby, you know
(i was only kidding) hey!
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10. _ Polka Your Eyes Out
Rock the cradle of love. rock the cradle of love
Yes, the cradle of love
Don't rock easy, it's true
Rock the cradle of love
I rocked the cradle of love
Yes, the cradle of love
Don't rock easy, it's true
Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo
(doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo)
The love shack is a little old place where
We can get together
Love shack, baby
(love shack, baby, love shack)
Hey!
Pump up the jam (hey!). pump up the jam (hey!)
Pump up the jam, pump it up!
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And i don't know if i can to it
Oh no, i've said too much
I haven't said enough
The things you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things you say
You're unbelieveable
(oh!)
Do me, baby. do me, baby
You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night
You can do me when you wanna do me
Yodalodaladyhoo!
Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land
The humpty dance is your chance to do the hump
Do me, baby
Do the humpty hump, do the humpty hump
Do me, baby
Do the humpty hump, come on and do the humpty hump
She's my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face ten miles wide
Look so good, make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie-yi-yi
Woo!
Drum solo!
I miss you so much (m-o-i miss you so much)
I really miss you much (m-i-s-s you so much)
I miss you so much (m-o-i miss you so much)
I really miss you much
Hey, i don't want anybody else
When i think about you i touch myself
Oh, i don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no no no
He's the one they call dr. feelgood
He's the one that makes you fell all right
He's the one they call dr. feelgood
He's gonna be your frankenstein
Let's kick it!
If you got a problem, (yo!) i'll solve it
Check out the beat while the dj revolves it
Ice ice baby
Ice ice baby... word to your mother!
Ice ice baby
Ice ice baby forever
I'll be your ife... ice... baby!
Hey!
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11. _ I Can't Watch This
I can't watch this. i can't watch this
I can't watch this. i can't watch this
My my my my tv makes me so bored
Makes me say, oh my lord
What is this garbage here?
Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears
It sucks, and that's no lie
It's about as much fun as watching paint dry
Lowers my iq one notch
And that's the reason why, uh, i can't watch
I told you homeboy... i can't watch this
Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know...
I can't watch this
Poke out my eyes, man... i can't watch this
Yo, gimme that remote control... i can't watch this
Talkin' 'bout sick shows
Tere's america's funniest home videos
I can't believe my eyes
When i see the kind of stuff that wins first prize
Somebody's poor old mom
Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn
Face first on a rake
I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take
That's funny as a kick in the crotch
And that kind of show, uh, i can't watch
Yo, i told you... i can't watch this
Change the channel now, man... i can't watch this
Yo, pass the tv guide here, sucker... i can't watch this
Cosby show and rosanne
Think i've taken 'bout as much as i can
Judge wopner, oh my
You gotta be rainman to like this guy
Thirtysomething is alright
If you like hearing yuppies whining all night
Can't stand twin peaks
Wish they'd lynch those donun-eatin' freaks
Thos siskel & ebert bums
Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs
That's word because you know... i can't watch this
I can't watch this
Break it down!
Here's-how-to-order-money-back-guarantee-removes-tough-stains-fast-it-tastes-more-like-fresh-peanuts-they-keep-going-and-going-don't-hate-me-because-i'm-beautiful-could-be-dandruff-our-prices-ar
Aaaane!!!
Stop! prime time!
I'm pretty sure i'll be sick
If i have to watch another stupid pet trick
Or that guy with the real flat hair
That goes "woof woof woof" and waves his fist in the air
Or those weird talk shows
About transsexual nazi eskimos
They're rude, crude and vile
Just for a minute let's flip down the dial
Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, i can't watch this
Look man... i can't watch this
I can't take this torture no more, i can't...
I can't watch this
Pay the bills, station break
Break it down!
Operators-are-standing-by-cubic-zirconium-necklace-you're-soaking-in-it-and-our-fabulous-swimsuit-issue-when-you've-got-a-headache-this-big-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-i've-fallen-and-i-can't-ge
!
Stop! cable time!
Hbo and playboy, showtime and mtv
I might like 'em more after my lobotomy
Now why did i ever pay for this junk?
I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk
Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless t & a
It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away
I can't watch this. i can't watch this
I can't watch this. yeah... i can't watch this
I told you... can't watch this
Too hip, can't watch this
Get me outta here... can't watch this
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