This Grudge

Fourteen years

thirty minutes

fifteen seconds I've

held this grudge



Eleven songs

four full journals

thoughts of punishment

I've expended



Not in contact

not a letter

such communication

telepathic

you've been vilified

used as fodder

you deserve a piece

of every record



But who's it hurting now?

Who's the one that's stuck?

Who's it torturing now

with an antique knot in her stomach?



I want to be big and let go

of this grudge that's grown old

all this time I've not known

how to rest this bygone

I wanna be soft and resolved

clean of slate and released

I wanna forgive for the both of us



Like an abandoned house

dusty covered

furniture

still intact

If I visit it now

will I simply re-live it

somehow gratuitous



But who's still aching now?

Who's tired of her own voice?

Who is it weighing down

With no gift from time of said healing



I want to be big and let go

of this grudge that's grown old

all this time I've not known

how to rest this bygone

I wanna be soft and resolved

clean of slate and released

I wanna forgive for the both of us



Maybe as I cut the cord

veils will lift from my eyes

Maybe as I lay this to rest

dead weight off my shoulders will rise



Here I sit

much determined

ever ill-equipped

to draw this curtain

how this has entertained

validated

and has served me well

ever the victim



But who's done whining now?

Who's ready to put down

this load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember



I want to be big and let go

of this grudge that's grown old

For the life of me I've not known

how to rest this bygone

I wanna be soft and resolved

clean of slate and released

I wanna forgive for the both of us.