That Was The Year That Was

Time was when an american about to go abroad would be warned by his friends or the guidebooks not to drink the water. but times have changed and now a foreigner coming to this country might be o
D the following advice.

If you visit american city,
You will find it very pretty.
Just two things of which you must beware:
Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air.

Pollution, pollution,
They got smog and sewage and mud.
Turn on your tap and get hot and cold running crud.

See the halibuts and the sturgeons
Being wiped out by detergents.
Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly,
But they don't last long if they try.

Pollution, pollution,
You can use the latest toothpaste,
And then rinse your mouth with industrial waste.

Just go out for a breath of air,
And you'll be ready for medicare.
The city streets are really quite a thrill.
If the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will.

Pollution, pollution,
Wear a gas mask and a veil.
Then you can breathe, long as you don't inhale.

Lots of things there that you can drink,
But stay away from the kitchen sink.
The breakfast garbage that you throw in to the bay,
They drink at lunch in san jose.

So go to the city, see the crazy people there.
Like lambs to the slaughter,
They're drinking the water
And breathing <cough> the air.

One of the big news items of the past year concerned the fact that china, which we called "red china," exploded a nuclear bomb, which we called a device. then indonesia announced that
S going to have one soon, and proliferation became the word of the day. here's a song about that:

First we got the bomb, and that was good,
'cause we love peace and motherhood.
Then russia got the bomb, but that's okay,
'cause the balance of power's maintained that way.
Who's next?

France got the bomb, but don't you grieve,
'cause they're on our side (i believe).
China got the bomb, but have no fears,
They can't wipe us out for at least five years.
Who's next?

Then indonesia claimed that they
Were gonna get one any day.
South africa wants two, that's right:
One for the black and one for the white.
Who's next?

Egypt's gonna get one too,
Just to use on you know who.
So israel's getting tense.
Wants one in self defense.
"the lord's our shepherd," says the psalm,
But just in case, we better get a bomb.
Who's next?

Luxembourg is next to go,
And (who knows?) maybe monaco.
We'll try to stay serene and calm
When alabama gets the bomb.
Who's next?
Who's next?
Who's next?
Who's next?

During the last election we had a good deal of fun back east following your senatorial contest out here. i'm from massachusetts and i feel we have a certain right to gloat over the other states
Se massachusetts is after all the only state with three senators. anyway, here's a salute to your new junior senator.

Hollywood's often tried to mix
Show business with politics,
From helen gahagan
To ronald reagan,
But mister murphy is the star
Who's done the best by far.

Oh gee, it's great,
At last we've got a senator who can
Really sing and dance!
We can't expect america
To win against its foes
With no one in the senate who
Can really tap his toes.

The movies that you've seen
On your television screen
Show his legislative talents at a glance.
Should americans pick crops? george says "no,
'cause no one but a mexican would stoop so low."
And after all, even in egypt, the pharaohs
Had to import
Hebrew braceros.

Think of all the musicals we have in store.
Imagine: broadway melody of 1984.
Yes, now that he's a senator, he's really got the chance
To give the public
A song and dance!

Last december 13th, there appeared in the newspapers the juiciest, spiciest, raciest obituary that has ever been my pleasure to read. it was that of a lady name alma mahler gropius werfel who ha
Her lifetime, managed to acquire as lovers practically all of the top creative men in central europe, and, among these lovers, who were listed in the obituary, by the way, which was what made i
Interesting, there were three whom she went so far as to marry.

One of the leading composers of the day: gustav mahler, composer of das lied von der erde and other light classics. one of the leading architects: walter gropius of the bauhaus school of design.
One of the leading writers: franz werfel, author of the song of bernadette and other masterpieces. it's people like that who make you realize how little you've accomplished. it is a sobering tho
For example, that when mozart was my age he had been dead for two years. it seemed to me, i'm reading this obituary, that the story of alma was the stuff of which ballads should be made so here
Ne.

The loveliest girl in vienna
Was alma, the smartest as well.
Once you picked her up on your antenna,
You'd never be free of her spell.

Her lovers were many and varied,
From the day she began her -- beguine.
There were three famous ones whom she married,
And god knows how many between.

Alma, tell us!
All modern women are jealous.
Which of your magical wands
Got you gustav and walter and franz?

The first one she married was mahler,
Whose buddies all knew him as gustav.
And each time he saw her he'd holler:
"ach, that is the fraulein i moost have!"

Their marriage, however, was murder.
He'd scream to the heavens above,
"i'm writing das lied von der erde,
And she only wants to make love!"

Alma, tell us!
All modern women are jealous.
You should have a statue in bronze
For bagging gustav and walter and franz.

While married to gus, she met gropius,
And soon she was swinging with walter.
Gus died, and her tear drops were copious.
She cried all the way to the altar.

But he would work late at the bauhaus,
And only came home now and then.
She said, "what am i running? a chow house?
It's time to change parters again."

Alma, tell us!
All modern women are jealous.
Though you didn't even use ponds,
You got gustav and walter and franz.

While married to walt she'd met werfel,
And he too was caught in her net.
He married her, but he was carefell,
'cause alma was no bernadette.

And that is the story of alma,
Who knew how to receive and to give.
The body that reached her embalma'
Was one that had known how to live.

Alma, tell us!
How can they help being jealous?
Ducks always envy the swans
Who get gustav and walter,
You never did falter,
With gustav and walter and franz.

I know some people feel that marriage as an institution is dying out, but i disagree and the point was driven home to me rather forcefully not long ago by a letter i received which said: "d
G, i love you and i cannot live without you. marry me, or i will kill myself." well, i was a little disturbed at that until i took another look at the envelope and saw that it was addressed
Ccupant.

Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days in books,and plays,and movies on, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love. husbands and
Who can't communicate; children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. and the characters in these books, and plays, and so on, and in real life, i might add, spend hours bemoanin
Fact that they can't communicate. i feel that if a person can't communicate the very least he can do is to shut up.

What with president johnson practicing escalatio on the vietnamese and then the dominican crisis on top of that it has been a nervous year and people have begun to feel like a christian scientis
H appendicitis. fortunately in times of crisis just like this america always has this number one instrument of diplomacy to fall back on. here's a song about it.

When someone makes a move
Of which we don't approve,
Who is it that always intervenes?
U.n. and o.a.s.,
They have their place, i guess,
But first send the marines!

We'll send them all we've got,
John wayne and randolph scott,
Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
To the shores of tripoli,
But not to mississippoli,

What do we do? we send the marines!
For might makes right,
And till they've seen the light,
They've got to be protected,
All their rights respected,
'till somebody we like can be elected.

Members of the corps
All hate the thought of war,
They'd rather kill them off by peaceful means.
Stop calling it aggression,
O we hate that expression.
We only want the world to know
That we support the status quo.
They love us everywhere we go,
So when in doubt,
Send the marines!

Some of you who have small children may have perhaps been put in the embarrassing position of being unable to do your child's arithmetic homework because of the current revolution in mathematics
Hing known as the new math. so as a public service here tonight i thought i would offer a brief lesson in the new math. tonight we're going to cover subtraction. this is the first room i've work
R a while that didn't have a blackboard so we will have to make due with more primitive visual aids, as they say in the "ad biz." consider the following subtraction problem, which i wi
T up here: 342 - 173.

Now remember how we used to do that. three from two is nine; carry the one, and if you're under 35 or went to a private school you say seven from three is six, but if you're over 35 and went to
Lic school you say eight from four is six; carry the one so we have 169, but in the new approach, as you know, the important thing is to understand what you're doing rather than to get the right
Er. here's how they do it now.

You can't take three from two,
Two is less than three,
So you look at the four in the tens place.
Now that's really four tens,
So you make it three tens,
Regroup, and you change a ten to ten ones,
And you add them to the two and get twelve,
And you take away three, that's nine.
Is that clear?

Now instead of four in the tens place
You've got three,
'cause you added one,
That is to say, ten, to the two,
But you can't take seven from three,
So you look in the hundreds place.

From the three you then use one
To make ten ones...
(and you know why four plus minus one
Plus ten is fourteen minus one?
'cause addition is commutative, right.)
And so you have thirteen tens,
And you take away seven,
And that leaves five...

Well, six actually.
But the idea is the important thing.

Now go back to the hundreds place,
And you're left with two.
And you take away one from two,
And that leaves...?

Everybody get one?
Not bad for the first day!

Hooray for new math,
New-hoo-hoo-math,
It won't do you a bit of good to review math.
It's so simple,
So very simple,
That only a child can do it!
Now that actually is not the answer that i had in mind, because the book that i got this problem out of wants you to do it in base eight. but don't panic. base eight is just like base ten really
You're missing two fingers. shall we have a go at it? hang on.

You can't take three from two,
Two is less than three,
So you look at the four in the eights place.
Now that's really four eights,
So you make it three eights,
Regroup, and you change an eight to eight ones,
And you add them to the two,
And you get one-two base eight,
Which is ten base ten,
And you take away three, that's seven.

Now instead of four in the eights place
You've got three,
'cause you added one,
That is to say, eight, to the two,
But you can't take seven from three,
So you look at the sixty-fours.

"sixty-four? how did sixty-four get into it?" i hear you cry.
Well, sixty-four is eight squared, don't you see?
(well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.)

From the three you then use one
To make eight ones,
And you add those ones to the three,
And you get one-three base eight,
Or, in other words,
In base ten you have eleven,
And you take away seven,
And seven from eleven is four.
Now go back to the sixty-fours,
And you're left with two,
And you take away one from two,
And that leaves...?

Now, let's not always see the same hands.
One, that's right!
Whoever got one can stay after the show and clean the erasers.

Hooray for new math,
New-hoo-hoo-math,
It won't do you a bit of good to review math.
It's so simple,
So very simple,
That only a child can do it!

Come back tomorrow night. we're gonna do fractions.
Now i've often thought i'd like to write a mathematics text book because i have a title that i know will sell a million copies. i'll call it tropic of calculus.

This year we've been celebrating the hundredth anniversary of the civil war and the fiftieth anniversary of the beginning of world war i and the twentieth anniversary of the end of world war ii
L in all it's been a good year for the war buffs and a number of lps and television specials have come out capitalizing on all this "nostalgia" with particular emphasis on the songs of
Various wars. i feel that if any songs are going to come out of world war iii we'd better start writing them now. i have one here. you might call it a bit of pre-nostalgia. this is the song that
Of the boys sang as they went bravely of to world war iii.

So long, mom,
I'm off to drop the bomb,
So don't wait up for me.
But while you swelter
Down there in your shelter,
You can see me
On your tv.

While we're attacking frontally,
Watch brinkally and huntally,
Describing contrapuntally
The cities we have lost.
No need for you to miss a minute
Of the agonizing holocaust. (yeah!)

Little johnny jones he was a u.s. pilot,
And no shrinking vi'let was he.
He was mighty proud when world war three was declared,
He wasn't scared,
No siree!

And this is what he said on
His way to armageddon:

So long, mom,
I'm off to drop the bomb,
So don't wait up for me.
But though i may roam,
I'll come back to my home,
Although it may be
A pile of debris.

Remember, mommy,
I'm off to get a commie,
So send me a salami,
And try to smile somehow.
I'll look for you when the war is over,
An hour and a half from now!