Educated Guess

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I missed no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars

I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim

I was floating above myself
Watching her do just what you wanted
Poor little friendly ghost
Wondering why her whole house feels haunted
I told myself I was strong enuf
That I had plenty of blood to give
And each elbow cradled a needle
But listless and faint ain't no way to live

So I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I missed no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars

More and more there is this animal
Looking out through my eyes
At all the traffic on the road to nowhere
At all the shiny stuff around to buy
At all the wires in the air
At all the people shopping
For the same blank stare
At america the drastic
That isolated geographic
That's become infested with millionaires

When you grow up surrounded
By willful ignorance
You have to believe
Mercy has its own country
And that it's round and borderless
And then you have to grow wings
And rise above it all
Like there
Where that hawk is circling
Above that strip mall

More and more there is this animal
Looking out through my eyes
Seeing that animals only take from this world
What they need to survive
But she is prowling through all the religions of men
Seeing that time and time and time again
Their gods have made them
Special and above
Nature's law
And the respect thereof

And I think when you grow up surrounded
By willful ignorance
You have to believe that mercy has its own country
And that it's round and borderless
And then you just grow wings
And rise above it all
Like there where that hawk is circling
Above that strip mall

Ask any eco-system
Harm here is harm there
And there and there
And aggression begets aggression
It's a very simple lesson
That long preceded any king of heaven
And there's this brutal imperial power
That my passport says I represent
But it will never represent where my heart lives
Only vaguely where it went

Cuz I know when you grow up surrounded
By willful ignorance
You learn that mercy has its own country
And that it's round and borderless
And then you just grow wings
And rise above it all
Like there
Where that hawk is circling
Above that strip mall

I hated to pop the bubble
Of me and you
But it only held enough oxygen
For a trip or two
To the moon and back again
Tell me, do you remember when
Our love had such grace
We were floating above this whole place

It's dawn on the corner
Where the city tests its squeaky breaks
Outside my bedroom window
A doppler muffler and a boomin bass
It's dawn and the snow
Is turning on its deepest blue
So I go outside just to stand there and
Look at my hands against the color
I find I always return to

I want you to always remember for me
Baby, if you can
How much you hated the woman
Who made you a man
And remember for me won't you
Back further before that
How you loved her like a boy
Cried from the joy
When you weren't laughing

No, I hated to pop the bubble
Of me and you
But it only held enough oxygen
For a trip or two
To the moon and back again
Do you remember when
Our love had such grace
We were floating above this whole place

So I hear these days you too
Are trying your hand at sleeplessness
A few more dizzying doppler lovers
And then a booming loneliness
How innocent the young student
On the day school has begun
When I said this was what I wanted
Did you think I thought it would be fun?

No, I hated to pop the bubble
Of me and you
But it only held enough oxygen
For a trip or two
To the moon and back again
Oh but I remember when
Our love had such grace
We were floating above this whole place

I am an all powerful amazon warrior
Not just some sniveling girl
So no matter what I think I need
You know I can't possibly
Have a need in this world

Come and come for that sweet sweetness
I'll be your never ending vending machine
I could never need to be alone
Never need to be my own
As much as you need your queen

I know men are delicate
Origami creatures
Who need women to unfold them
Hold them when they cry
But I am tired of being your savior
And I am tired of telling you why

And since when did this me me me
Become the be all and end all of me
Oh listen to you talk to me
Long time love has got to breathe, babe
You got to let it ebb and flow
If you want a ball to bounce
You gotta let it go
Just let it go

I know men are delicate
Origami creatures
Who need women to unfold them
Hold them when they cry
But I am tired of being your savior
And I am tired of telling you why

What dreams cause me
To abandon my pillow each night?
Push away each of them, in fact
Since there always seem to be more than one
Then wake to aching stiff neck twisted
Tits and face smashed against the mattress
Legs and arms akimbo
Like the high pitched body of a jumper
Waiting for her chalk outline
Finally at rest

Looks like my crazy family
Is down one crazy daughter cuz
I'm shipwrecked in a desert that
Once was underwater just
Looking for a swift turn of phrase
Some colors to fly
As I float by
In the parade

Plus I dream in skin scented sentences
Of a stronger faster fiercer you
And to each noun, verb and predicate
I dedicate a vivid hue
But you ain't done too well
Getting past your permanent pastel
Have you now?
Yes, the desert seemed so promising
And then it paled somehow

So school is in session
Get your chin off your desk
Now pick up your pencil
And turn over your test
Use your education
And take an educated guess
About me

I've got a slot at eye level like
A speakeasy door
And I know you know the password
Cuz I've seen you here before
And I've got something sweet for you
And I don't care if it is more than you deserve
I've got a lot of love and a lot of nerve
So watch me while I take this curve

Yes school is in session
Get your chin off your desk
Now pick up your pencil
And turn over your test
Use your education
And take an educated guess
About me

Plus I have this whole new family
And I'm in love with each of them
And I'm on this list called lucky
Whenever I'm in reach of them
And I'm learning how to say
That I'd be happy either way
With your love

I'm calling on the stars above

School is in session
Get your chin off your desk
Now pick up your pencil
Turn over your test
Use your education
And take an educated guess
About me

The light blue flickering rhythm
Of the neighbor's big console T.V.
Is basking on the ceiling
Of another insomniac spree
And outside sleep's open window
Between the drops of rain
History is writing a recipe book
For every earthly pain

Oh to clean up the clutter of echoes
Coming in and out of focus
Words spoken
Like locusts
Sing and sing
In my head

And thing is
They often seem
In my memory's long dream
To be superfluous to
The true story of what was

Cuz

Real is real regardless
Of what you try to say
Or say away
Real is real relentless
While words distract and dismay
Words that change their tune
Though the story remains the same
Words that fill me quickly
And then are slow to drain
Dialogues that dither down reminiscent
Of the way it likes to rain
Every screen
A smoke screen
Oh to dream
Just for a moment
The picture
Outside the frame

Then in a flash
The light blue horizon
Spanning a sudden black
Is sucked into the vanishing point
And quiet rushes back
To search for the downbeat
In a tabla symphony
To search in the darkness
For someone who looks like me

(Though I'm not really who I said I was
Or who I thought I'd be)

Just a collection of recollections
Conversations consisting
Of the kind of marks we make
When we're trying to get a pen to work again

A lifetime of them!

Cough