The Kinks Present A Soap Opera

Has everybody got problems?
Are you stuck in a deadend job?
Frustrated and dissatisfied?
Are you on the edge of suicide?
Terrorist bombers on the left,
Fascist plots on the right.
Mass destruction and homicide,
Are you horrified and terrified?
Such a shame.

We've all got problems we know,
There's one thing that's for sure,
There's only one cure for all your hangups and all your depressions.

Have another drink it'll make you feel better,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
If you feel down and you're under the weather
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
(repeat above four lines).

Facts and figures.
Filling out forms.
Reading circulars.
Dictating letters.
Is your occupation
Getting to your brain?
Is there no relief?
It's like a ball and chain.
There's no need to get depressed,
Worrying won't make it better.
There's only one consolation i can recommend.
Don't take my word for it, try it for yourself.

Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better.
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better.
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

If you're feeling down and you're under the weather,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

If you're feeling down and under the weather,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

The star is in norman's office. his day
Of sweat and toil has begun.


Nine to five

Answering phones and dictating letters
Making decisions that affect no one.
Stuck in the office from nine until five
Life is so incredibly dull,
Working from nine to five.

Oh nine to five, nine to five,
Working from nine to five.

And time goes by
The hours tick away.
First seconds,
Then minutes,
Then hours into days.
Each day,
Each week,
Seems just like any other.
All work,
No play,
It's just another day.

He's caught in a mass of computerised trivia,
Deciphering data for mechanical minds.
He's lost in the paperwork and up to his eyes,
He's checking a list that's been checked out before
And he's starting to lose his mind.

Oh nine to five, nine to five,
Working from nine to five.
(repeat).

Star:
I am the image maker. i am the magic
Maker. i can turn the most ordinary
Man in the world into a star. to prove
My point i am going to find the most
Mundane little man and turn him into
Celebrity. hmm! this looks like a
Suitably uninteresting house. i wonder
If there's anybody here with enough
Star quality?

He presses the doorbell.

Star:
Hello. what's your name?

Wife:
Andrea.

Star:
Oh, that's a nice name. what's your
Husband's name?

Wife:
Norman.

Star:
His name's norman. that sounds
Ordinary enough. i would like you to
Join in a unique experiment with me.
I am going to take norman's place for
A few days. i 'm going to research his
Ordinary dull little existence.

Wife:
Oh you can't come in now! the place
Is in a terrible mess!

Star:
That doesn't matter. i want you to act
Normally. i want you to treat me as if i
Were norman. i am going to sacrifice
My normal flamboyant life style and
Become ordinary, boring little norman
For a few days.


Ordinary people

It's like another world, being here with you,
It's quite a trip for me, so this is reality.
I'm studying every movement, i'm trying to learn the part,
Now i want you to be natural, just relax and be as you are,
'cos it's all for art, i want to observe the ordinary people

Tomorrow i shall become norman,
I shall go to his office,
Mix with his workmates.
And if they ask any questions
I shall say i'm doing research for one of my songs.
Nomand and i are changing places
And i'm going to make him a star,
So i'm throwing away my stage suit and i'm packing away my guitar,
For the sake of art i'm gonna mix with the ordinary people.

Star:
God these pyjamas are awful!

Wife:
Awful? well all i can say is my norman wears them every night.

Star:
Alright, no sacrifice is too great for art!

The things i've done for music,
The things i've done for art.
So i'll make these sacrifices and i'll take it like a star
For the sake of art i will mix with the ordinary people.

Star:
You'd better come to bed darling.

Wife:
Coming! you'll never get up for work in the morning.

I'm making observations, and character simulations.
I'll mix with his friends and relations,
And he'll be a part of me.

Chorus
He's changing places with norman,
To get background for his songs.

I'm immortalising his life
And i'll even sleep with his wife,
For the sake of art i'll go to bed like the ordinary people.

Turn out the light.
Turn out the light.

The star exchanges his silver stage
Suit for norman's pin stripe suit,
Umbrella and briefcase. he forsakes
His customary brandy and cigars and
Settles for a cup of hot chocolate before
Going to bed.

Our hero leaves the pub his head still
Swimming with alcohol, his head
Buzzing with facts, figures and
Computers. night is descending as he
Wearily makes his way home through
The traffic jams and neon lights of the
Great metropolis.


Underneath the neon sign

All i see is imitation
And there's no earth beneath my feet.
There are no trees or fields in front of me
Only slabs of concrete.
Skyscrapers reaching up to the clouds,
Don't give the moon a chance to shine,
And i've got imitation moonlight
Standing underneath the neon sign.

Is it real or just illusion?
Can there be a time when it's night?
Is it merely my delusion
Or my senses telling me lies.
Is it just hallucination?
Have i been drinking too much wine?
I don't know if it's day or night,
When i'm underneath the neon sign.
Underneath the neon sign.

Electronic nature made by man with robots in mind.
Big city lights guide my way into the night, darkness shines
When i'm standing underneath the neon sign.

If there isn't any sunshine
We'll some-day buy the neon sign
And if we can't see any stars at night
We'll sit and watch the traffic lights.
If there isn't any day-time
I've got an imitation dawn,
I've got a simulated sunshine
Standing underneath the neon sign.

Is it an illusion?
Have i been drinking too much wine?
Can there be day-time when it's night
Underneath the neon sign.
Underneath the neon sign.
Is it mother nature
Playing tricks with my eyes
For darkness shines
When i'm standing underneath the neon sign.

Our star doesn't know who he is any
More. is he the starmaker, the image
Maker, looking for material or is he
Just plain boring little norman after
All? perhaps he should accept that he
Is a plain ordinary bloke and not try to
Be something he is not.


(a) face in the crowd

I've got to stop faking it,
I've got to start facing it,
I'm going to take my final bow
Then i'm going to take my place in the crowd.
I know i'll get used to it,
I've got to stop acting like a clown.

I've gotta start facing up to what i really am.
I've got to realise l'm just an ordinary man.
I think that i'll just settle down
And take my place in the crowd.
I don't want to lie to myself any more.

Am i just a face in the crowd, is that all i'll ever be?
Don't want to be anything that isn't really me.
Mister, can you tell me who i am?
Do you think i stand out
Or am i just a face in the crowd?

After dinner norman becomes depressed.

Star:
Norman's office got on my nerves to-day.

Wife:
What do you mean? you are norman!

Star:
(shouts) i am a star!

Wife:
You're not a star norman. you're
Just a plain ordinary little bloke and
Even if you walked down the street in
A silver suit people still wouldn't
Recognise you. you're dull, ordinary
And uninteresting! you're a drag!

Star rises from his chair and smashes
The dinner plates to the floor.

Star:
I hate this house and i hate you, but
More than anything else i hate those
Ducks!

Wife:
Don't you touch those ducks norman!
They were a present from my mother.
Look, norman, i've had enough of you
And your ridiculous fantasies. first of
All you wanted to be a painter, then
You wanted to be an astronaut, then
A footballer and now you're playing at
Being a rock singer. if you touch those
Ducks i'm leaving!


Ducks on the wall

My baby's got the most deplorable taste,
But her biggest mistake
Is hanging over the fireplace.
She's got ducks, ducks on the wall,
Ducks, ducks, hanging on the wall.

My lady's got a sort of strange fascination,
An obsessive fixation
For cheap decorations
She's got ducks, ducks on the wall.
Ducks, ducks, hanging on the wall.

Wo-wo-wo i love her so but if she doesn't move the ducks,
I think my mind is gonna go.
Ducks ducks on the wall.
Ducks ducks, hanging on the wall.

I leave the office and i want to relax.
Don't want to stare at a wall
And look at a duck that can't quack.
I love you baby but i can't fall
For those ducks on the wall.

I start to snuggle up and squeeze her so tight.
Then out of the corner of my eye
I see those ducks in flight.
I love you baby but i can't ball
When i see those ducks on the wall.

Wo-wo-wo i can sit through your gossip and your soap opera shows,
But those ducks have got to go.
I love you baby but i can't ball
When i see those ducks on the wall.
And when i went to a cocktail party
With the bores next door,
What was the first thing that i saw?
Ducks, ducks on the wall.
Ducks, ducks hanging on the wall.

My baby's got the most deplorable taste,
But her biggest mistake
Is hanging over the fireplace.
She's got ducks, ducks on the wall,
Ducks, ducks hanging on the wall.

I'll sit and look at all the soap operas with her
I'll play all the panel games and watch all the quiz shows,
But those ducks they've got to go,
Those ducks are getting up my nose.

If those ducks can fly, well so can i.
And if those ducks have got to stay
Then i'm going to fly away.
I love you baby but i can't ball
When i see those ducks on the wall.

Ducks, ducks, ducks on the wall.
Ducks, ducks, ducks on the wall.
Oh those ducks on the wall are beginning to move
They're talking to me
I've got to get away from those ducks.