Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie

do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon writing a letter
to you didn't make me feel any more peaceful then how I felt when we weren't speaking because I
didn't cop to what I did. I can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries. i'd
like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips . i'm in the front
row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up i'm too tired to recount the
unpleasantries one by one one minute I want to banish you the next I want to be on
a deserted island with you along with my three favorite cd's ambivalent yet in your
bed we've yet to acknowledge what really happened
slid into the ditch I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why
we shouldn't be together I started by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in new jersey (too far)"
you started saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily
refuted but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut
your stuff off..... i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up
and I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't always
feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocate in my
current state I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together
........for a while i'm speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some
time alone to fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about you i've been wanting
your undivided attention I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of
perspective people have of your charmed life i'm in the front row the front row with
popcorn I get to see you see you close up you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to
be whipped or wept for certainly not analysed prodded at more ways than one
apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being
slung towards your outrageous fortune
hey i'm not mad at you guardian i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your
jeckyl and hydeness i'm glad i figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh
and said "come here let me clip your wings!"(i know he's blood but you can still turn him away you
don't owe him anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back. (unfortunately
you needed a health scare to reprioritize.) no thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them
won't make an ounce of difference...... i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn. I get to see
you see you close up oh the things i've done for you many a sitch a friend a man's
been left for you oh the books i've read for you the tongues i've bitten for you many
a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret)

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as we were taking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone
but I need to talk to somebody
you said "wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I died i'd be filled
with such regret before I took my last breath" and I said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die any time soon"
and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes
but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain
and yes you're a fine woman and I cringed
I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together
we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're
successful and established sir and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
and your money" and when I walked by they said "thank you too dear" I was all pigtails and cords
and there was a day when I would've said something like "hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it"
I too once thought I was owed something
I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up
I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
I too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you I think you're insensitive
and I don't feel heard and I said do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? fundamentally evil?
and you said yes I said I don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about that man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head.
I think what he did was wrong and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.
I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together

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I am the biggest hypocrite
I've been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
I've gotten candy for my self-interest
the sexy treadmill capitalist
heaven forbid I be criticized
heaven forbid I be ignored

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and separatist
heaven forbid average (whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days
of powerlessness

I have abused my so-called power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one

did you just call her amazing?
surely we both can't be amazing!
and give up my hard earned status
as fabulous freak of nature?

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
always looked good on paper
sounded good in theory

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You from New York you are so relevant
You reduce me to cosmic tears
Luminous more so than most anyone
Unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
And lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Suppossed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Let's grease the wheel over tea
Let's discuss things in confidence
Let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous
Let's solve the world's problmes
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression

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How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying a moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

yeah yeah
ahh ohhh
ahhh ho oh
ahhh ho ohhhhhh
yeaahhhh yeahh

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That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer Queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you...

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Are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
Are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
Are you still mad I compared you to all
My forty year old male friends?
Are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?

Are you still mad I had emotional affairs?
Are you still mad I tried to mold you into
Who I wanted you to be?
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
Of course you are.
Of course you are.

Are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
Are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
Are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?
Are you still mad that we slept together
Even after we had ended it?
Of course you are.
Of course you are.

Are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
Are you still mad that I seemed to focus
Only on your potential?
Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are.
Of course you are.

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you are the original template
you are the original exemplary
how seen were actually?
how revered were you (honestly) at the time?
why pleased with you low maintenance?
you loved us more than we could've loved you back
where was you ally your partner in feminine crime?
oh mother who's your buddy?
oh mother who's got your back?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
you were "good ol'"
you were "count on 'er 'til four am"
you saw me run from the house
in the snow melodramatically
oh mother who's your sister?
oh mother who's your friend?
the heart of the house
the heart of that house
all hail the goddess!
we left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
and talked like women to women would
womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from?
must've been your father your dad"
I got it from you I got it from you
do you see yourself in my gipsy garage sale ways?
in my fits of laughter?
in my tinkerbell tendencies?
in my lack of color coordination?

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dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic
saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had
this inexplicable connection since our youth and yes they're in shock
they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion
if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i'd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense
you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you
you and I we're like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions
if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsession
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you
we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often

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