1. _ Dong Work For Yuda
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Central scrutinizer:
Hello there...this is the central scrutinizer... joe was sent to a special prison where they keep all the other criminals from the music business...you know...the ones who get caught...it's a ho
E place, painted all green on the inside, where musicians and former executives take turns snorting detergent and plooking each other...
(as the central scrutinizer chuckles to himself for a moment, father riley, who became buddy jones, steps into view in his new identity: father riley b. jones, prison chaplain, who, in a rather
-handed piece of imagery, is now entrusted with the job of singing this song as he assists the captured executives in their quest for new meat to plook, and, once having found these victims for
Rinces of the industry, trades them little blobs of sanctified lubricant jelly for cigarettes and candy bars while he holds them down so the execs won't have to work too hard when they stick it
...anyway, listen, while he's in there he meets this guy who used to be a promo man for a major record company, named bald-headed john... king of the plookers...
Father riley b. jones:
This is the story 'bout
Bald-headed john
Former execs:
Dong work for yuda,
Dong, dong
Father riley b. jones:
He talks a lot 'n' it's
Usually wrong
Former execs:
Dong work for yuda,
Dong, dong
Father riley b. jones:
He said dong
Was wong,
'n wong was kong
'n dong work for
Yuda,
'n john was wrong
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Dong work for yuda
Dong, dong
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
He said dong
Was wong
And wong was kong
And dong was gong
'n john was wrong
Father riley b. jones:
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
John's got a sausage
That'll make you fart
John's got a sausage
That'll break
Your heart
Make you fart
And break your heart
Don't bend over
If you are smart
He took a little walk
To the weenie stand
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
A great big weenie
In both his hands
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
He sucked on the end
'til the mustard squirt
He said, "ya'll stand
Back 'cause you
Might get hurt"
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
He said dong
Was wong
Wong was kong
Kong was gong
'n john was wrong
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
Make way for the
Iron shaschige
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
I need a dozen towels
So the boys can take
A shower
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
Bartender, bring me
A colada and milk
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
Well, on second thought,
Make that a water...
Hto
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
Falcum...
Take me to the falcum!
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
I wave my bags
Did you wave your'n
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
Well how much
Did they wave?
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
Ah'm almost two
Kilometers tall
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
This girl must be
Praketing richcraft
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-headed john:
Don't worry about
The faggot
I'll take care of
The faggot
Former execs:
Sorry john
Sorry better
Try it again
Try it again,
Try it again
Try, try, try again...
Etc., etc., etc.
Bald-headed john:
Your pomona is
Very extinct...
Yeah, i studied with
The dong of tokyo
'n also with the
Oriental kato...
My body contain
Uh water
I just loves the way
These copenhagens
Talks!
Driver, mcdoodle...
Sausage
Salima
Salami
That looks like that
Stuff that freckles
Lets out
Once a mumfth...
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2. _ The Central Scrutinizer
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Tommy mars (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Jeff (tenor saxophone)
Marginal chagrin (baritone saxophone)
Stumuk (bass saxophone)
Dale bozzio (vocals)
Al malkin (vocals)
Craig steward (harmonica)
Sometimes when you're not looking he just sneaks up on you. he looks like a cheap sort of flying saucer about five feet across with a snout-like megaphone apparatus in the front with two big eye
Nted like appletons with miniature motorized frowning chrome eyebrows over them. along the side of his disc-like body are several sets of stupid-looking headers and exhaust hoses which apparentl
Pel him and punctuate his dialogue with horrible smelling smoke rings. in the middle of his head we can see an airport wind sock and constantly twirling anemometer. the bottom of him has a landi
Ght and three spoked wheels. in spite of all this, it is obvious that the way he really gets around is by being dangled from place to place by a union guy with a dark green shirt up in the roof
S eating a sandwich (pieces of which drop off every once in a while and lodge themselves near the hole where they put the oil in that makes the cheap smoke).
He hovers into view and speaks to us thusly...
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer...it is my responsibility to enforce all the laws that haven't been passed yet. it is also my responsibility to alert each and every one of you to the potential c
Uences of various ordinary everyday activities you might be performing which could eventually lead to *the death penalty* (or affect your parents' credit rating). our criminal institutions are f
F little creeps like you who do wrong things...and many of them were driven to these crimes by a horrible force called music!
Our studies have shown that this horrible force is so dangerous to society at large that laws are being drawn up at this very moment to stop it forever! cruel and inhuman punishments are being c
Lly described in tiny paragraphs so they won't conflict with the constitution (which, itself, is being modified in order to accommodate the future).
I bring you now a special presentation to show what can happen to you if you choose a career in music...the white zone is for loading and unloading only...if you have to load or unload, go to th
Te zone... you'll love it...it's a way of life...ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...hi, it's me, i'm back. this is the central scrutinizer...the white zone is for loading and unloading only...if yah gotta loa
If yah gotta unload, go to the white zone. you'll love it...it's a way of life. that's right, you'll love it, it's a way of life, that's right, you'll love it, it's a way of life, you'll love i
Is, is, the central scrutinizer!
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3. _ He Used To Cut The Grass
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Joe: (to himself as he walks out of prison)
I'm out at last
Boy, the world
Sure looks different
Wow...there's hardly
Anything fun to do
Since they made
Music illegal
But i'm hooked
I got the habit
I've got to have it
I need to play
But there's no
Musicians anymore
They're all gone
Wait! i've got it!
I'll be sullen and
Withdrawn
I'll dwindle off into
The twilight realm
Of my own secret
Thoughts
I'll walk through
The parking lot
In a semi-
Catatonic state
And dream of
Guitar notes
To go with the
Loading-zone
Announcements.
Joe wanders through the world which by then has been totally epoxied over, carefully organized, with everyone reporting daily to his or her appointed place in a line somewhere in front of a wind
Mewhere in a building somewhere in order to collect his or her welfare check, which, when cashed, made it possible for the young ones to continue the payments for the obsolete and irreparable ap
Ces their parents had purchased on the instalment plan years ago, providing as security the future incomes of their children. the rest of these checks were used by the young recipients to buy fu
Ngs of their own on credit, most of which broke down or failed within moments of purchase and seemed to be stacking up everywhere.
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central
Scrutinizer
The white zone
Is for loading and
Unloading only.
If you have to load or
Unload, go to the
White zone.
You'll love it.
It's a way of life.
This is the central
Scrutinizer
The white zone
Is for loading and
Unloading only.
If you have to load or
Unload, go to the
White zone.
You'll love it.
It's a way of life.
This is the central
Scrutinizer
The white zone
Is for loading and
Unloading only.
If you have to load or
Unload...
As joe stumbles over mounds of dead consumer goods formed into abstract statues dedicated to the quality of american craftsmanship, dreaming his stupid little guitar notes, he hears, somewhere i
Back of his head, the voice of mrs. borg, taunting him:
Mrs. borg's voice:
Turn it down!
Turn it down!
I have children
Sleeping here!
Don't you boys know
Any nice songs?
I'm calling the police!
I did it!
They'll be here...
Shortly!
I'm not joking around
Anymore!
You'll see now!
There they are...
They're coming!
Listen to that mess,
Would you!
Every day this goes on
Around here!
He used to
Cut my grass...
He was a
Very nice boy...
He used to
Cut my grass...
He was a
Very nice boy...
He used to
Cut my grass...
He was a
Very nice boy...
He used to
Cut my grass...
He was a
Very nice boy...
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer... yes...he used to be a nice boy...he used to cut the grass...but now his mind is totally destroyed by music. he's so crazy now he even believes that people are
Ng articles and reviews about his imaginary guitar notes, and so, continuing to dwindle in the twilight realm of his own secret thoughts, he not only dreams imaginary guitar notes, but, to make
Rs worse, dreams imaginary vocal parts to a song about the imaginary journalistic profession...
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4. _ Keep It Greasy
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Eventually father riley b. jones gets around to joe with his little case of pre-blessed unguents...
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer... poor joe. he's getting tired from bending over...but we tried to warn him...didn't we? okay, joe...you asked for it...here comes the big one...
Joe: (anointing himself as he sings)
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Manx:
Roll it over 'n
Grease it down
I'll drive you through
The heart of town
Joe:
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Manx:
Roll it over 'n
Grease it down
I'll drive you through
The heart of town
Joe (who is still wearing his housewife costume from when he first picked up sy borg in the closet) adjusts his little apron to a more advantageous position and sings...
Joe:
Hey, the good women,
They sure has it tough
The good men, well
There ain't enough
All the good girls are
Lookin' all the time
Good men is
Something that
They can't find
'cause if they
Find one miraculously
They try to be lovin'
As they can be
If they find
One and let him go
Chances are they
Might not never find
One no mo'
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Manx:
Roll it over 'n
Grease it down
I'll drive you through
The heart of town
Joe:
A good lovin' man
Is hardest to find
A good woman needs
To ease her mind
And i know a few that
Need to ease it behind
All y'gotta do is
Grease it down
'n everything is fine
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Manx:
Roll it over 'n grease
It down
I'll drive you through
The heart of town
Joe:
A girl don't need
No fancy grease
To get herself
Some rump release
Any kind
Of lube'll do
Maybe from another
Part of you
Lube from the north
Lube from the south
Take a little slobber
From the side of
Your mouth
From your mouth
From your mouth
From your mouth
From your mouth
Roll it over
Grease it down
Here come that crazy
Screamin' sound...
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Keep it greasey
So it'll go down easy
Roll it over 'n grease it
Down, down, down
Grease it down...
Oh no! here comes
That screamin' sound
Again...
And sure enough the walls of the prison did rever- berate with all sorts of screamin' sounds as lawyers and execs and promo per- sonages all decide to jump on joe for a spectacular high speed ga
Ng leading to...
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5. _ Watermelon In Easter Hay
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer...joe has just worked himself into an imaginary frenzy during the fade- out of his imaginary song...he begins to feel depressed now. he knows the end is near. he
Ealized at last that imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals exist only in the imagination of the imaginer...and... ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway...so...so... excuse me...so...who give
Uck anyway? so he goes back to his ugly little room and quietly dreams his last imaginary guitar solo...
(after the song ends)
This is the central scrutinizer...as you can see, music can get you pretty fucked up...take a tip from joe, do like he did, hock your imaginary guitar and get a good job...joe did, and he's a ha
Uy now, on the day shift at the utility muffin research kitchen, arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of a fully-charged icing anointment utensil. and every time a nice little muffin com
On the belt, he poots forth...
And if this doesn't convince you that music causes big trouble...then maybe i should turn off my plastic megaphone and sing the last song on the album in my regular voice...
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6. _ Catholic Girls
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Tommy mars (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Jeff (tenor saxophone)
Marginal chagrin (baritone saxophone)
Stumuk (bass saxophone)
Dale bozzio (vocals)
Al malkin (vocals)
Craig steward (harmonica)
A festive cyo party with crepe paper streamers, contestants for the broom dance, the "hokey pokey," baked goods, & father riley making sure the lights don't go down too low...
Father riley and various party goers:
Catholic girls
With a tiny little mustache
Catholic girls
Do you know how they go?
Catholic girls
In the rectory basement
Father riley's a fairy
But it don't bother mary
Catholic girls
At the cyo
Catholic girls
Do you know how they go?
Catholic girls
There can be no replacement
How do they go, after the show?
Joe:
All the way
That's the way they go
Every day
And none of their mamas ever seem to know
Hip-hip-hooray
For all the class they show
There's nothing like a catholic girl
At the cyo
When they learn to blow...
Father riley:
They're learning to blow
All the catholic boys!
Mary:
Warren cuccurullo...
Father riley:
Catholic boys!
Mary:
Kinda young, kinda wow!
Father riley:
Catholic boys!
Mary:
Vinnie colaiuta...
Chorus:
Where are they now?
Did they all take the vow?
Father riley:
Catholic girls
Warren:
Carmenita scarfone!
Father riley:
Catholic girls
Officer butzis:
Hey! she gave me vd!
Father riley:
Catholic girls!
Warren:
Toni carbone!
Chorus:
With a tongue like a cow
She could make you go wow!
Joe:
Vd vowdy vootie
Right away
That's the way they go
Every day
Whenever their mamas take them to a show
Matinee
Pass the popcorn please
There's nothing like a catholic girl
With her hand in the box
When she's on her knees
Larry:
She was on her knees,
My little catholic girl
Chorus:
In a little white dress
Catholic girls
They never confess
Catholic girls
I got one for a cousin
I love how they go
So send me a dozen
Catholic girls
Ooooooh!
Catholic girls
Ooooooh!
(etc.)
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer...
Joe had a girl friend named mary.
She used to go the church club every week.
They'd meet each other there
Hold hands
And think pure thoughts
But one night at the social club meeting
Mary didn't show up...
She was sucking cock backstage at the armory
In order to get a pass
To see some big rock group for free...
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7. _ On The Bus
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Tommy mars (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Jeff (tenor saxophone)
Marginal chagrin (baritone saxophone)
Stumuk (bass saxophone)
Dale bozzio (vocals)
Al malkin (vocals)
Craig steward (harmonica)
Whereupon the house combo at the brasserie drifts into a modified version of one of toad-o's big hit numbers buddy jones stares longingly at the little nozzles pooching out of mary's moistened u
Clothing, but it's too late...warren, one of the other guys from joe's garage band has already recognized her (he's now one of the foremost disco-fusion rhythm guitar players on the wet t-shirt
It, currently providing exciting strummery here in miami), and is in the process of getting the details of her life on the bus with larry and the other jolly road crew lads. he eventually sends
Letter with this information in it...
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer...meanwhile, joe hears about mary's naughty exploits. he falls in with a fast crowd and gets seduced by a girl who works at the jack-in-the-box, named lucille, wh
Es him an unpronounceable disease...
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8. _ Scrutinizer Postlude
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9. _ Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Tommy mars (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Jeff (tenor saxophone)
Marginal chagrin (baritone saxophone)
Stumuk (bass saxophone)
Dale bozzio (vocals)
Al malkin (vocals)
Craig steward (harmonica)
Shortly after his liaison with the taco stand lady, joe makes a horrible discovery...
Joe:
Why does it hurt when i pee?
Why does it hurt when i pee?
I don't want no doctor
To stick no needle in me
Why does it hurt when i pee?
I got it from the toilet seat
I got it from the toilet seat
It jumped right up
'n' grabbed my meat
Got it from the toilet seat
My balls feel like a pair of maracas
My balls feel like a pair of maracas
Oh god i probably got the
Gon-o-ka-ka-khackus!
My balls feel like a pair of maracas
Ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!
Why does it
Why does it
Why does it
Why does it hurt...when i
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
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10. _ A Token Of My Extreme
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Arriving at l. ron hoover's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, joe is greeted by a pre-recorded message and a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized tv scr
.
L. ron hoover:
Welcome to the first church of appliantology! the white zone is for loading and unloading only!
Don't you be tarot-fied
It's just a token
Of my extreme
Don't you be tarot-fied
It's just a token
Of my extreme
Don't you never try to
Look behind my eyes
You don't wanna know
What they have seen
Don't you never try to
Look behind my eyes
You don't wanna know
What they have seen
Joe: (thinking to himself)
Some people think
That if they go too far
They'll never get back
To where the rest of
Them are
I might be crazy
But there's one thing
I know
You might be surprised
At what you find
When ya go!
And thus, having ration- alized his expedition to l. ron's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, joe seeks the answer to his problem...
Joe:
Oh oh oh
Mystical advisor
What is my problem,
Tell me
Can you see?
L. ron hoover:
Well, you have nothing
To fear, my son!
You are a latent
Appliance fetishist,
It appears to me!
Joe:
That all seems very,
Very strange
I never craved
A toaster
Or a color t.v.
L. ron hoover:
A latent appliance
Fetishist
Is a person who
Refuses to admit
To his or herself
That sexual
Gratification can
Only be achieved
Through the use of
Machines...
Get the picture?
Joe:
Are you telling me
I should come out
Of the closet now
Mr. ron?
L. ron hoover:
No, my son!
You must go into
The closet
Joe:
What?
L. ron hoover:
And you will have
Joe:
Heh?
L. ron hoover:
Hey!
A lot of fun!
That's where
They all live
So if you want an
Appliance to love you
You'll have to
Go in there
'n' get you one
Joe:
Well...that seems
Simple enough...
L. ron hoover:
Yes, but if you want a
Really good one,
You'll have to learn a
Foreign language...
Joe:
German, for instance?
L. ron hoover:
That's right...
A lot of really cute
Ones come from
Over there!
(fifty bucks, please)
And a cheerful group of
Appliantologists dance
Into the room wearing
Aluminum foil lab smocks,
Lock arms in a circle
Around joe, making sure
He pays in full, all the
While singing with l. ron
As he delivers his final
Instructions...
L. ron hoover:
If you been
Mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion,
An yer in between
Don't you be
Tarot-fied,
It's just a lot of nothin',
So what can it mean?
If you been
Mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion,
An yer in between
Don't you be
Tarot-fied,
It's just a lot of nothin',
So what can it mean?
If you been
Mod-o-fied,
It's an illusion,
An yer in between...
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11. _ Outside Now
Frank zappa (lead guitar)
Ike willis (guitar, vocals)
Ray white (guitar, vocals)
Bobby martin (keyboards, saxophone, vocals)
Alan zavod (keyboards)
Scott thunes (bass)
Chad wackerman (drums)
These executives have plooked the fuck out of me
And there's still a long time to go before i've
Paid my debt to society.
And all i ever really wanted to do was
Play the guitar n bend the string
Like: reent-toont-teent-toont-teenooneenoonee
I've got it
I'll be sullen and withdrawn -
I'll dwindle off into the twilight realm
Of my own secret thoughts!
I'll lay on my back here til dawn
In a semi-catatonic state
And dream of guitar notes
That would irritate
An executive kinda guy . . .
Well, i guess that one did the trick
If they only coulda heard it,
Half-a-dozen of em woulda strangled
While they was suckin on each others dick!
Yeah but that was only a bunch of imaginary
Notes i played -
Just a little extra somethin'
To keep me goin' from day to day,
But thats okay -
I'm gettin' outta here pretty soon -
Then i wont have to live
In this ugly fuckin room
I can't wait to see what its like
On the outside now . . .
And i can't wait to see what its like
On the outside now . . .
Now listen here
I can't wait to see what its like
On the outside now . . .
I mean it
I can't wait to see what its like
On the outside now . . .
Outside now
Outside now, yeah
(etc., etc., etc.)
One-two-three-four!
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12. _ Stick It Out
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Joe leaves the first church of appliantology and sets out to try l. ron's expensive advice
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer... joe has just learned to speak german now, get this, here's why he did it! he's gonna go to this club on the other side of town, it's called the closet... and t
Ot these appliances in there that really go for a guy dressed up like a housewife who can speak german (you know what i mean)... so joe's learned how to speak german, he goes into this place and
Ees these little kitchen machineries dancing around with each other, and he sees this one...that looks like ah, it's a cross between an industrial vacuum cleaner and a chrome piggy bank with mar
Aids stuck all over its body...it's really exciting...and when he sees it, he bursts into song...
Joe:
Fick mich, du
Miserabler hurensohn
Du miserabler hurensohn
Fick mich, du
Miserabler hurensohn
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen
Heissen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen
Heissen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen
Heissen gelockten
Schwanz
Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh!
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches schwein
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches schwein
Bis es spritzt, spritzt,
Spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt, spritzt,
Spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Aber beklecker nicht
Das sofa, sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht
Das sofa, sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht
Das sofa, sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht
Das sofa, sofa!
Stunned by joe's command of it's native tongue, a gleaming model xqj-37 nuclear powered pan-sexual roto-plooker named sy borg (previously thought to be the son of the lady who called the police
T two, side i), spindles over to joe and says...
Sy borg:
Pick me...i'm clean...
I am also programmed
For conversational
English.
This stuns joe, who stands there speechless for a moment. smitten by joe's animal magnetism, sy continues...
Sy borg:
May i have
This dance?
And joe, looking sharp in his housewife costume with the napkin on his head and the yellow chiffon apron, responds boldly by repeat- ing the entreaty originally delivered in deutsch in its conve
Onal english form, so that his intentions re- garding the appliance will be made perfectly clear...
Joe:
I've got a better idea...
Fuck me, you ugly son
Of a bitch
You ugly son of a bitch
Fuck me, you ugly son
Of a bitch
Stick it out
Stick out yer
Hot curly weenie
Stick it out
Stick out yer
Hot curly weenie
Stick it out
Stick out yer
Hot curly weenie
Weenie...weenie,
Weenie, weenie!
Make it go fast
In and out,
(in and out)
Magical pig
Make it go fast
In and out,
(in and out)
Magical pig
Till it squirts, squirts,
Squirts, squirts
Fire
Till it squirts, squirts,
Squirts, squirts
Fire
Don't get no jizz
Upon that sofa, sofa
Don't get no jizz
Upon that sofa, sofa
Don't get no jizz
Upon that sofa, sofa
Don't get no jizz
Upon that sofa, sofa
Whereupon, in order to
Prove to joe that he is
No ordinary appliance, sy
Quotes a few lines of
Traditional american love
Poetry...
Sy borg:
What's a girl like you
Doing in a place
Like this?
Do you come
Here often?
Wait a minute...
I've got it...
You're an italian...
What? you're jewish?
Love your nails...
You must be a libra...
Your place or mine?
Your place or mine?
Your place or mine?
Your place or mine?
See the chrome
Feel the chrome
Touch the chrome
Heal the chrome
See the screaming
Hot black steaming
Iridescent naugahyde
Python screaming
Steam roller!
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13. _ A Little Green Rosetta
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Central scrutinizer:
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
You'll make
A muffin betta
With a green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A tiny green rosetta
A green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A tiny green rosetta
You'll make
A muffin really betta
It's betta
It's really getting betta
It's betta, it's betta
With a green rosetta
Setta, setta
And a green rositti, too
Green rositti
A little green rositti
It's really, really meaty
A little green rositti
You'll make
A muffin really betta
It's betta
(hey, really out
There...that was
Really good)
It's really getting betta
It's betta, it's betta
With a green rosetta
Setta, setta
(good god, give the
Drummer some)
Green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
(setta, setta, setta,
Etc....)
(make a muffin, make
A muffin, make a muffin,
Make a muffin betta,
Make a muffin betta,
Etc....)
With a green rosetta
A little green rosetta
You'll make a muffin betta
(etc....)
Good god! you're
Really jammin'! now
The reggae version,
Hey, for the people in
The third world...
We haven't forgotten
Anybody on this
Song...for all of you
French people...who
Think that you're outta
Sight...and for the
People in spain...who
Think the french
People are where it's
At...and for the people
In mongolia who
Always wanted to go to
Spain for a vacation...
And for those of you in
Taiwan who got
Chumped, this chorus
Is for you: (rang tang
Ding dong, i am the
Japanese sandman...
Take eight...)
Green rosetta
A green rosetta
A little green rosetta
(against the reggae
Beat, though...
No, it's still reggae,
But it's all backwards)
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
You'll make
A muffin betta
A little green rosetta
(etc., etc., etc...)
Now you see, some
Places in the third
World it might be
Difficult to dance to
This because the
Kerosene record player
Is not a very efficient
Device...and a lot of
Times they run out of,
They run out of spunk
Right in the middle of
The chorus...causing
The song to sound like
This...
A little green rosetta
However we continue
In spite of the fact that
The fuel may be low on
Your record player. we
Suggest that in places
In the fourth world
Where things are really
Tough that you keep
The record player
Going by rubbing two
Sticks together. and if
All else fails, throw the
Record away...build
Your own green
Rosetta...try this
Recipe: we'll start with
A lump of grass...the
Grass bone connected
To the ankle bone...the
Knee bone connected
To the wishbone...and
Then everybody moves
To new york and goes
To a party with
Warren. hey!
And we've flown in, at
Great expense, (triple
Scale, no less, ladies
And gentlemen), steve
Gad's clone to play the
Out-chorus on this
Song...he's really outa-
Site, in spite of the fact
That the click track is
Totally irrelevant to
What he's doing right now.
I'm listening to the
Click, yes i'm suffering
With the click track
Right now...this guy is
Totally out of sync with
It, but what the fuck.
Ed mann will call him
Up later, show him the
Sign. okay vinnie,
Where is five?
They're pretty good
Musicians
They're pretty good
Musicians
They're pretty good
Musicians
(the singer's not too
Good, but the musicians
Are pretty good)
They're pretty good
Musicians
They're pretty good
Musicians
They're pretty good
Musicians
They're pretty good
Musicians
But it don't make no
Difference
If they're good
Musicians
Because anybody who
Would buy this record
Doesn't give a fuck if
There's good musicians
On it
Because this is a
Stupid song
And that's the
Way i like it
A little green rosetta
Hey!
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
A little green rosetta
You make
A muffin betta
With a green rosetta
A little green rosetta
Rosetta, rosetta
Rosetta
(etc., etc., etc....)
Al malkin:
Zetta...
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14. _ Joe's Garage
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Tommy mars (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Jeff (tenor saxophone)
Marginal chagrin (baritone saxophone)
Stumuk (bass saxophone)
Dale bozzio (vocals)
Al malkin (vocals)
Craig steward (harmonica)
A boring old garage in a residential area with a teen-age band rehearsing in it. joe (the main character in the central scrutinizer's special presentation) sings to us of the trials and tribulat
Of garage-band husbandry.
Central scrutinizer:
We take you now, to a garage, in canoga park.
Frank zappa:
(it makes it's own sauce...)
Joe:
It wasn't very large
There was just enough room to cram the drums
In the corner over by the dodge
It was a fifty-four
With a mashed up door
And a cheesy little amp
With a sign on the front said "fender champ"
And a second hand guitar
It was a stratocaster with a whammy bar
At this point, larry (a guy who will eventually give up music and earn a respectable living as a roadie for a group called toad-o) joins in the song...
Larry:
We could jam in joe's garage
His mama was screamin'
His dad was mad
We was playin' the same old song
In the afternoon 'n' sometimes we would
Play it all night long
It was all we knew, 'n' easy too
So we wouldn't get it wrong
All we did was bend the string like...
Hey!
Down in joe's garage
We didn't have no dope or lsd
But a coupla quartsa beer
Would fix it so the intonation
Would not offend yer ear
And the same old chords goin' over 'n' over
Became a symphony
We would play it again 'n' again 'n' again
'cause it sounded good to me
One more time!
We could jam in joe's garage
His mama was screamin',
"turn it down!"
We was playing' the same old song
In the afternoon 'n' sometimes we would
Play it all night long
It was all we knew, and easy too
So we wouldn't get it wrong
Even if you played it on a saxophone
We thought we was pretty good
We talked about keepin' the band together
'n' we figured that we should
'cause about this time we was gettin' the eye
From the girls in the neighborhood
They'd all come over 'n' dance around
Like...
Twenty teen-age girls dash
In and go stomp-clap,
Stomp-clap-clap...
So we picked out a stupid name
Had some cards printed up for a coupla bucks
'n' we was on our way to fame
Got matching suits 'n' beatle boots
'n' a sign on the back of the car
'n' we was ready to work in a go-go bar
One two three four
Let's see if you got some more!
People seemed to like our song
They got up 'n' danced 'n' made a lotta noise
An' it wasn't 'fore very long
A guy from a company we can't name
Said we oughta take his pen
'n' sign on the line for a real good time
But he didn't tell us when
These "good times" would be somethin'
That was really happenin'
So the band broke up
An' it looks like
We will never play again...
Joe:
Guess you only get one chance in life
To play a song that goes like...
(and, as the band plays their little song,
Mrs. borg (who keeps her son sy,
In the closet with the vacuum cleaner)
Screams out the window...
Mrs. borg:
Turn it down!
Turn it down!
I have children sleeping here...
Don't you boys know any nice songs?
Joe:
(speculating on the future)
Well the years was rollin' by, yeah
Heavy metal 'n' glitter rock
Had caught the public eye, yeah
Snotty boys with lipstick on
Was really flyin' high, yeah
'n' then they got that disco thing
'n' new wave came along
'n' all of a sudden i thought the time
Had come for that old song
We used to play in "joe's garage"
And if i am not wrong
You will soon be dancin' to...
Central scrutinizer:
The white zone is
For loading and
Unloading only. if you
Gotta load or unload,
Go to the white
Zone. you'll love it...
Joe:
Well the years was rollin' by (etc.)...
Mrs. borg:
I'm calling the police!
I did it! they'll be here...shortly!
Officer butzis:
This is the police...
Mrs. borg:
I'm not joking around anymore
Officer butzis:
We have the garage surrounded
If you give yourself up
We will not harm you
Or hurt you neither
Mrs. borg:
You'll see them
Officer butzis:
This is the police
Mrs. borg:
There they are, they're coming!
Officer butzis:
Give yourself up
We will not harm you
Mrs. borg:
Listen to that mess, would you?
Officer butzis:
This is the police
Give yourself up
We have the garage surrounded
Mrs. borg:
Everday this goes on around here!
Officer butzis:
We will not harm you, or maim you
(swat team 4, move in!)
Mrs. borg:
He used cut my grass...
He was very nice boy...
That's disgusting!!
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer...
That was joe's first confrontation with the law.
Naturally, we were easy on him.
One of our friendly counselors gave him
A do-nut...and told him to
Stick closer to church-oriented social activities.
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15. _ Lucille Has Messed My Mind Up
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Tommy mars (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Jeff (tenor saxophone)
Marginal chagrin (baritone saxophone)
Stumuk (bass saxophone)
Dale bozzio (vocals)
Al malkin (vocals)
Craig steward (harmonica)
Joe is so disoriented by his disease, he goes in the other room and plays the title cut from an old jeff simmons album, and sings along with it.
Joe:
Lucille
Has messed my mind up
But i still love her
Oh i still love her
Lucille
Has messed my mind up
But i still love her
Oh i still love her
Lucille
Has messed my mind up
But i still need her
You know i need her
Whatcha tryna doota me
Lucille?
Whatcha tryna doota me
Lucille?
Whatcha tryna doota me
Lucille?
You got me goin' outa my mind
Lucille
Has tore my heart up
But i still love her
I really love her
Lucille
Has tore my heart up
But i still need her
You know i need her
She treats me like my heart
Is made of stone
She runs around
And leaves me home
All alone
She doesn't answer
When i call her on the phone
She messed up my mind
I'm crying alla the time
Lucille
Has messed my mind up (etc., etc., etc.)
Central scrutinizer:
This is the central scrutinizer...again, hi!...it's me again, the central scrutinizer...joe says lucille has messed his mind up, but, was it the girl or was it the music? as you can see...girls,
C, disease, heartbreak...they all go together...joe found out the hard way, but his troubles were just beginning...his mind was so messed up...he could hardly do nothin'...he was in a quandary..
G devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires...the guy was a wreck...so...what does he do? for once, he does something smart...he goes out...and pays a lot of money to l. ron
R... at the first church of appliantology!
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16. _ Wet T-shirt Nite
Frank zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Warren cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Ike willis (lead vocals)
Peter wolf (keyboards)
Tommy mars (keyboards)
Arthur barrow (bass, vocals)
Ed mann (percussion)
Vinnie colaiuta (drums)
Jeff (tenor saxophone)
Marginal chagrin (baritone saxophone)
Stumuk (bass saxophone)
Dale bozzio (vocals)
Al malkin (vocals)
Craig steward (harmonica)
After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by toad-o's road crew, and being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, mary is dumped in miami. with no money (and no other famous rock
Ps due into the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by entering the wet t-shirt contest at the brasserie...
Ike:
Looks to me like something funny is going on around here people laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin' entirely too much for their beer and they all think they are clean outa-site and they're ready to
'cause the sign outside says it's wet t-shirt nite 'n' they all crave some hot delight well the girls are excited because in a minute they're gonna get wet 'n' the boys are delighted because al
Titties will get 'em upset 'n' they all think they are reety-awright 'n' they're ready to boogie 'cause the sign outside says it's wet t-shirt nite 'n' they all crave some pink delight when the
R gets on 'em their ninnies get rigid 'n' look pretty bold it's a common reaction that makes an attraction whenever it's cold 'n' all of the fellas they wish they could bite on the cute little n
S the local girls are showin' off tonite you know i think it serves 'em right you know i think it serves 'em right you know i think it serves 'em right you know i think it serves 'em right and i
Et t-shirt time again i know
You want someone to show you some tit! big ones! wet ones! big wet ones!
At this point, father riley (who had been recently de-frocked for not meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport coat and moved to miami and changed his name to budd
Es) steps onto the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a wet t-shirt contest emcee...
Buddy jones:
Ah, thanks, ike... yes, it's wet t-shirt time again here at the brasserie... home of the tits...huh huh... and it's the charming mary from canoga park up next in her bid for the semi-finals... h
Ry...howya doin'?
Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, mary does not recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the rectory basement during which she acquired her basic manual sk
..confounded by his sport coat, she replies...
Mary:
Hi!
Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or even appreciates the patient religious training he had given her in the past, buddy jones, like a true wet t-shirt emcee type person, proceeds to
Various stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity to buy more exciting beverages...liquid prod
That will expand their consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance of miami by night...
Buddy jones:
Where ya from?
Mary:
Ah, the bus...
Buddy jones:
Which one?
Mary:
You know...the last tour... you know...leather
Buddy jones:
Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat 38 phydeaux iii... why don't you get in position and take a deep breath, because this water is very, very cold, but it's goin' to be so stimulating. and mary
E kind of red- blooded american girl who'll do anything...
Mary:
Anything...
Buddy jones:
I said anything...for fifty bucks that's right!
Mary:
I really need the fifty bucks you know i gotta get home!
Buddy jones:
Yeh, i know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed...that's right, you heard right...our big prize tonite is fifty american dollars to the girl with the most exciting mammalian protube
S...
Mary:
Here i am!
Buddy jones:
...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking white sort of male person's conservative kind of middle-of-the-road cotton undergarment! whoopee! and here comes the water!
Mary:
Eeek!
Buddy jones:
No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...sounds like you just got an ice pick in the forehead...and here comes the ice pick in the forehead ...a million laughs, mary! anyway; good golly,
A mess...she's totally soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty bucks...that's it just step into the spotlight...let the guys get a good look at ya honey!
Mary:
Here i am!
Buddy jones:
Whaddya say, fellas? nice setta jugs? now mary, how's about shakin' it around a little...
Mary:
Ooooh!
Buddy jones:
Oh my goodness, look at her go!
Mary:
Oooh! i'm dancing! i'm dancing!
Buddy jones:
Ain't this what living is really all about! here's your fifty bucks mary...
Mary:
Oh great! now i can go home!
Buddy jones:
Home is where the heart is.
Mary:
On the bus.
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