200 Motels

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Ooh, the way you love me, lady,
I get so hard now i could die.
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar,
I get so hard now i could die.

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes.
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes.

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.

Mark volman:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard kaylan:
Y'know i do ... baby.

Mark volman:
Well, tell me why you do it...
I really wanna know.

Howard kaylan:
Oh no no, i wouldn't be right
For me to tell ya tonight...

Mark volman:
You better tell me right away
Or i'll dress up and go.

Howard kaylan:
Don't get mad... it ain't no big thing.

Mark volman:
You better tell me right away,
Don't you treat me cold!

Howard kaylan:
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Well, there are a lot of reasons why i'd drag a girl such as yourself back to this plastic hotel room ... and rip you off for spare change to run a ...to run a vibrating machine attached to this
N-size, bulk-purchase, kapok-infested, do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and, and make you take off all your little clothes ... until you are nearly stark raving nude. ( save for y
Hrome-with-heavy- duty-leather-thong peace medallion) and make you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving a plastic chair and an old guitar strap while i did a wee-wee in your hair
And beat you with a pair of tennis shoes i got from jeff beck...

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Mark volman & howard kaylan:
This town.. this town..
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued.

Mark volman:
We get a few in every tour.

Howard kaylan:
I think we've played this one before.

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Female soprano:
Why don't you strap on this here bunch of cardboard boxes daddy-o?

Chorus:
Joy of my desiring

Female soprano:
You certainly look suave and get me hot.

Chorus:
Hot hot. get me hot

Female soprano:
And horny.
If there's one thing i really get off on,
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes.

Chorus:
Some old melodies.

Female soprano:
Four-four... an aura

Chorus:
An areola

Female soprano:
Pink gums. stumpy gray teeth.

Chorus:
Dental floss.

Female soprano:
Gets me hot. want to watch a dental hygiene movie?

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Male tenore:
The girl wants to fix him some broth.

Female soprano:
Tinselcock!

Chorus:
Tinselcock!

Female soprano:
Would you like some broth?

Male tenore:
Some nice soup.

Female soprano:
Some hot broth.

Male tenore:
Small dogs in it.

Female soprano:
Do you

Male tenore:
You like broth? dog broth.

Female soprano:
Hot broth.

Male tenore:
You like dog broth hot? how do you like it? the four styles of it

The breathe broth breath, and the ever popular hygienic european version,
Tinselcock!
Tinselcock!

Chorus:
Tinselcock!

Male tenore:
Which do you choose?

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Mark volman & howard kaylan:
She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in.
(she dances, she prances, she dances, she prances)
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups,
Yeah-yeah-yeah
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in.

Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga
Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga
Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga
Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga

Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
Wah wah wah wah wah wah

Well at least there's sort of a choice there.
(twenty or thirty at times there have been )
Somewhat desirable boys there.
Dressed really spiffy with long hair.
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in.

Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
Wah wah wah wah wah wah

Well at least there's sort of a choice there.
(twenty or thirty at times there have been )
Somewhat desirable boys there.
Dressed really spiffy with long hair.
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in.

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Jimmy carl black:
Hey, who are these dudes? are you a boy, or a girl?
Ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha.

What the fuck was that?
I wonder if that son of a bitch can play something i might even like.
Hey twerp, play me something i can enjoy.

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Went on the road
For a month touring.

What a drag...
You gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home.
Flaked out
In hollywood.
Drove to inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five-o-three

( what's it gonna be? )

Mark volman:
Chicken, beef or turkey?

Howard kaylan:
La la la la

Mark volman:
Would you like a snack?

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Centerville.
A real nice place to raise your kids up.
Centerville.
It's really neat!

Churches.
Churches, and liquor stores.

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Bad concience:
Does this kind of life look interesting to you? night after night, dinners with herb cohen. thrill-packed, fun-filled evenings on the french riviera at the midem convention. a big tie, the whole
Watch mutt eat, and leon feed the geese. one thousand green business cards, with your name and the wrong address. plus six royalty statements, inspected and customized by ran toon tan han toon
Et and dee. followed by twelve potential suicides as the members of your group, past and present, find out they can't collect unemployment. a dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice with your own r
Company, your name on the door, electric buzzer to the inner office, and [?] tits, and a three month supply of german bookings with tickets on air rangoon. does this kind of life look interesti
You? as a big rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group?

Chorus:
Hunna hunna hunna.
200 motels. 200 motels. 200 motels.

Jeff simmons:
I'm stealing the room. i'm stealing the room. i'm stealing the room.

Chorus:
???????
???????
I'm stealing i'm stealing ??????

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Chorus:
Dew on the newts we got. newt money dew.
It's a payment on the rental for the dewy little newts we got.
We got 'em dewy. left 'em in the yard all night,
Though they didn't get uptight.
The little vixens, the saucy little vixens, [? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?].
I know that they did not, did not,
I know that they did not dash off into the night

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Male tenore:
The girl, in a statement to the press, explains:

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)


Theodor bikel:
This, as you might have guessed, is the end of the movie. the entire cast is assembled here at the centerville recreational facility to bid farewell to you, and to express thanks for your attend
At this theatre. this might seem old fashioned to some of you, but i'd like to join in on this song. it's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie. it's the kind of a so
At people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you and care about you. we uh, understand how hard it is to laugh these days, with all the terrible problems in the world


Lord, have mercy on the people in england,
For the terrible food these people must eat.
( errrr, excuse me )
And may the lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
And god bless the mind of the man in the street.

Chorus:
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
Through the terrible functions they all must perform.
God help the winos, the junkies, and the weirdos,

Female soprano:
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm.

Chorus:
Help everybody, so they all get some action,
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction.

Female soprano:
A room and a meal
And a garbage disposal
A lawn and a hose'll
Be strictly genteel.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book,
The girl in the pig book, and the one with the horse.
Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy
And the purple-lipped censors and the germans of course.

Chorus:
Help everybody, so they all get some action,
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
A swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven. "honey, how do it feel?"


Everybody:
Yeah
Ahhh

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Lord, have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow.

Help the black man.
Help the poor man.
Help the milk man.
Help the door man.
Help the lonely, neglected old farts that i know.

Theodore bikel:
It's been swell havin' you with us tonight folks.

Mark volman:
But, don't leave the theatre yet, 'cause there's still more to come, but before we go on, i want to introduce to you my friend and musical associate, howard kaylan, who's going to give us all a
Closing benediction.

Howard kaylan:
They're going to clear out the studio...
They're going to tear down all the...
They're going to whip down all the...
They're going to sweep out all the...
They're going to pay off all the...

Mark volman:
(oh, yeah!)

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
And then... and then... and then... and then...

Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Aww now, every one of our lovely and talented dancers
The light bulb men, camera men, make-up men


Mark volman:
(the fake-up men)

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
And, the rake-up men.

Jimmy carl black:
(especially herbie cohen, yeahoooo...)

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
They're all going to rise up.
They're going to jump up! i said jump up!
Talkin' 'bout jump right up on off the floor.
Jump right up and hit the door!

Mark volman:
They're all going to rise up, and jump off.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
They're going to ride on home.
They're going to ride on home.
They're going to ride on home.
They're going to ride on home.

Howard kaylan:
And once again take themselves seriously.
Yeah, two, three, four, seriously.

Mark volman:
They're all going to go home,

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Through the driving sleet and rain

Mark volman:
They're all going to go home,

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Through the fog, through the dust.
Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost.

Mark volman:
They're all going to go home.

Howard kaylan:
And get out of it as they can be.

Jimmy carl black:
And the same goes for me.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Oh, yeah! oh, yeah! oh, yeah! oh, yeah!

Howard kaylan:
And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group
In his own special way is going to get out of it as he can be.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
They're all going to get wasted.
They're all going to get twisted.
They're all going to get wasted.
They're all going to get twisted.

Howard kaylan:
And i am definitely going to get ....

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Reamed

Howard kaylan:
'cause i'm such a lonely.. i'm such a lonely..
A lonely, lonely, talkin' 'bout a lonely guy.

Oh, and i know tonight, i am definitely...
I am positively... i just have to get...

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Bent, reamed and wasted.

Jimmy carl black:
A disaster area the size of atlantic city, new jersey.

Howard kaylan:
He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. i wouldn't do it if it weren't for this. you noticed, all through this material, i've been glancing over toward my left? well, i'll tell you the rea
Or that ladies and gentlemen. he is over there. he is over on the left. he is the guy that is making me do all this shit. right over there. now all through this movie, every time we've been on s
I've had to look over in that direction, right? you saw it... you know! well that's 'cause he's over there. i've got to watch him for signs. he jumps up and down like a jackass. i can't even be
The guy sometimes. but we gotta watch him. "after all," we said, "it's frank's movie." now, we're the mothers, but it's still frank's movie. he rented the studio, had all th
Heesy sets built...it's so moche!. he's telling everybody, right now, right over there to...(text obscured by disaster area, fades out)

Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Jimmy carl black (vocals)


Jimmy carl black:
My name is burtram, i am a redneck.
All my friends, they call me burt.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Hi, burt!

Jimmy carl black:
All my family from down in texas
Make their livin' diggin' dirt.

Come out here to californy
Just to find me some pretty girls.
Ones i seen gets me so horny
Ruby lips,
N'teeth like pearls.

Wanna love 'em all.
Wanna love 'em dearly.
Wann pretty girl,
I'll even pay ...

I'll buy 'em furs. i'll buy 'em jewelry ...
I know they like me. here's what i'll say.

I'm lonesome cowboy burt.
( speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt.
( reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance.
On this here waitress ...

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
He's lonesome cowboy burt.
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt.

Jimmy carl black:
Come on in this place
An' i'll buy you a taste.
You can sit on my face.
Where's my waitress?

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
Burtram, burtram redneck.
Burtram, burtram redneck.

Jimmy carl black:
I'm an awful nice guy.
Sweat all day in the sun.
I'm a roofer by trade,
Quite a bundle i've made
I'm unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun.

Jimmy carl black:
When i get off, i get plastered.
I drink till i fall on the floor.
Find me some communist bastard
N' stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more.

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more.

Jimmy carl black:
I fuss an' i cuss and i keep on drinkin'
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red.
I drool on m'shirt.
I see if he's hurt.
Then i kick him again in the head, let's

Everybody:
Kick him again in the head! boys!
Kick him again in the head! now!
Kick him again in the head!

Jimmy carl black:
I'm lonesome cowboy burt.
( speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt.
( reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance.
On this here waitress ...

Mark volman & howard kaylan:
He's lonesome cowboy burt.
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt.

Jimmy carl black:
Come on in this place
An' i'll buy you a taste.
You can sit on my face.
Where's my waitress?
Opal, you hot little bitch!