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1. _ Medium Pace
Put your arms around me babe,
Can't you see i need you so?
Hold me close against your skin,
'cause i'm about to begin
Lovin' you.
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace.
Play with my balls and tell me how big they are.
Honey rub your beaver up and down my face.
Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.
You see that shampoo bottle? now, stick it up my ass.
Push it in and out at a medium pace.
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was.
Now shave off my pubs and punch me in the face.
Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs.
Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people
You work with.
Now pull up my scrotum and take that shampoo bottle out of my ass.
Pretend i'm the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off.
Strap on a dildo and make me give you head.
Now tell me slow down and do it at a medium pace.
I feel so humiliated. i'm about to blow my load.
You tell it's time to make love but i can't 'cuz i spewed all over myself.
Then you look into my eyes, then you realize
How much i enjoy loving you. oh.
I'm so sorry i spunked all over my stomach.
Maybe next time i'll be better at loving you.
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2. _ The Hanukkah Song
Intro: this is a song, that uh, theres alot of xmas songs out there, but not
Too many about hanukkah, so i wrote a song for all those nice little jewish
Kids who dont get to hear any hanukkah songs--here we go...
Put on your yalmulka, here comes hanukkah
Its so much fun-akkah to celebrate hanukkah,
Hanukkah is the festival of lights,
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights.
When you feel like the only kid in town without a x-mas tree, heres a list of
People who are jewish, just like you and me:
David lee roth lights the menorrah,
So do james caan, kirk douglas, and the late dinah shore-ah
Guess who eats together at the karnickey deli,
Bowzer from sha-na-na, and arthur fonzerrelli.
Paul newmans half jewish; goldie hawns half too,
Put them together--what a fine lookin' jew! [esus]
You dont need deck the halls or jingle bell rock
Cause you can spin the dreidl with captain kirk and mr. spock--both jewish!
[esus]
Put on your yalmulka, its time for hanukkah,
The owner of the seattle super sonic-ahs celebrates hanukkah.
O.j. simpson-- not a jew!
But guess who is...hall of famer |
3. _ Girl
Arsenio (chris rock):
Now don't leave us hanging with just that.
Jp:
Yeah, i hear that, arsenio.
Yo guys, lets kick it!
(music starts playing)
Jp:
Yo now, before we start singing,
You also want to know in addition to writing our own songs,
We also do our own choreography.
Jp:
Girl, i can't stop thinking of you girl,
Y-o-u, spells girl.
Woke up this morning, put on my own clothes,
Cause the ladys' not here, to help us no more.
Went down to the store, i got myself some juice,
Its tasted good and fresh and i love you.
All:
Girl, you are wicked awesome.
Dc:
I buttoned up my own shirt, whew!
All:
Because, you girl...
Rs:
Whenever i make my own plane reservations...
All:
I think of you girl, cause girl you are wicked awesome!
As:
My name is donny, and i'm here to say
They call me donny, cause that's my name.
Banana's are good in every way,
An apple a day, keeps the doctor away,
Purina cat chow -
All:
Chow, chow, chow.
As:
If my friends could only see me now,
I'm walking, i'm talking, mccauly caukin,
Roger clemmons was called for walking.
Word, sister!
All:
1, 2, dosey dow, dosey dow.
All:
You are... wicked awesome!
As:
Peace.
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4. _ Santa Song
So many presents,
So little time,
Santa won't be coming around my house this year,
'cos i tried to drown my sister and i pierced my ear,
Oh mama made it perfectly clear,
Santa don't like bad boys...especially jewish ones.
Gnip-gnop and lego blocks are all that i desire,
So why did i have to set the pizza guy's hair on fire,
I told him i was sorry,
I'm a liar,
So no toys for me...i don't deserve them.
I couldn't wait for a big wheel as the holiday neared,
But then i told my grandma that she had a beard.
Dear santa,
I know what my problem is, why i can't be good, it's a fear of intimacy.
You see my whole life whenever i've met someone really great like you and
I keep feeling like i'm getting close to them, something inside me makes
Me want to screw it up. so in a weird way the reason i'm so bad is because
I love you santa.
Rock-em sock-em robots is what i was hoping for,
But then i made a death threat to vice president gore,
Oh santa won't be knocking on my door,
'cos he's a big fat whore...what made me say that?
Chutes and ladders would be so good indeed,
So why'd i have to sell that cop a bag of weed,
So santa please give me that easy bake oven,
I swear i thought billy goats we're made for lovin'.
So santa won't you accept my apologies,
Santa can't you see i'm begging you please,
Oh santa next year i'll do you right,
Live from new york it's saturday night...
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5. _ Grow Old With You
Grow old with you
Performed by adam sandler
On the wedding singer soundtrack
Contributed by jbrai
Billy idol (speaking): good afternoon everyone. we're flying at 26,000 feet,
Moving
Up to thirty thousand feet, and then we've got clear skies
All the way to las vegas, and right now we're bringin you some in-flight
Entertainment. one of our first-class passengers would like to sing you a song
Inspired by one of our coach passenger, and since we let our first-class
Passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.
Robbie hart (singing):
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All i wanna do is grow old with you
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I'll miss you
I'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
I'll need you
I'll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you
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6. _ Somebody Kill Me
[spoken]
Ok, i just want to warn you that when i wrote this song i was listening to the
Cure a lot.
[sung]
You don't know how much i need you.
While you're near me i don't feel blue.
And when we kiss i know that you need me too.
I can't believe i found a love that's so pure and true.
But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when i think of you linda,
I hope you fucking choke.
I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.
Oh somebody kill me please,
Somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,
Pretty pretty please kill me.
I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.
[spoken]
Kid: you're going to the mental institution.
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7. _ Mother's Day Song
Mama was the one who reached down and tied my shoelace.
Mama spit on her fingers and used it to clean dirt off my face.
Brush your teeth, q-tip your ear,
Take off your sister's new brassiere.
Watch pbs, not deputy dawg,
Don't you eat that lincoln log.
Oh mama i still don't believe
It's true: the tooth fairy was you.
No way!
I love you maaaaaama,
More than than paaaastrama,
Way more than jeffrey daaaahma,
Even more than my nfl paaaaajamas.
Mama always calmed down dad when he got too mean.
Like the time he almost hit me for stealing his juggs magazine.
Stop your jumping,
You'll break the bed.
Don't you fill up
On the bread.
Take those
Take those
(trying to read cue card)
Take ... carrots out of your nose,
That's not a hat that's pantyhose.
Don't play baseball in your suit,
That magnum pi's very cute.
Don't forget vick's vapor-rub,
Stop masturbating in the tub.
Thanks for making corn beef hash,
And putting powder on my rash.
(so much better.)
I love you maaaaaama,
More than golf with arnold paaaaalmaaaa,
More than yellow moons in lucky chaaaaamaaaas,
Def leppard's drummer only had one aaaaaaamaaa.
Oh, mrs. nealon, yes it's true,
Kevin's gonna sing to you.
Come on kevin.
I love you maaaaaama
Come on, keep goin'.
More than films by brian depaaaaalmaaaa.
Thanks for being my date to the praaaaamaaaa.
Thanks for writing that note to the draft
Board that said i was gay so i got out
Of vietnaaaamaaa.
Mom your way better than the world trade center baaaaamaaaa.
Who's name by the way is mohamed salaaaamaaa.
I love you even more than richard gere loves the dali laaaaahmaaa.
And richard gere was also good in "sommersby",
Which was a melodraaaamaa.
Oh, all you moms out there oughta know,
We kids love you so.
Have a happy mother's day.
Thank you very much!
Thank you!
Adam saaaandlaaa.
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8. _ The Chanukah Song (ii)
Performed by adam sandler
Contributed by marc lachance
Put on your yarmulke
Its time for chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are jewish
Just like you and me
Winona ryder,
Drinks manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with ralph lauren and calvin klein
Guess who gives and receives
Loads of chanukah toys
The girls from veruca salt and all three beastie boys
Lenny kravitz is half jewish,
Courtney love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass jew
We got harvey keitel
And flash dancer jennifer beals
Yasmine bleeth from baywatch is jewish
And yes her boobs are real
Put on your yarmulka
Its time for chanukah
2 time ocsar winning dustin hoffmanaka
Celebrates chanukah
O.j. simpson
Still not a jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for scooby doo
Bob dylan was born a jew
Then he wasn't
But now he's back,
Mary tyler moore's husband is jewish
'cause we're pretty good in the sack.
Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the pga tour
No i'm not talking about tiger woods
I'm talkin' about mr. happy gilmore.
So many jews are in the show biz
Bruce springsteen isn't
But my mother thinks he is.
Tell the world-amanaka
It's time for chanukah
It's not pronounced ch-nakah
The c is silent in chanukah
So get your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy chanukah!
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9. _ Food Inuendo Guy
Baby,baby,baby i wanna stew your tomato
Baby,baby,baby i wanna french fry your potato
Baby,baby,baby why don't you pluck my grapes
Why don't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes
I'm your food inuendo guy
Your food inuendo guy
Baby,baby,baby you got honeydew melons
Baby,baby,baby can you see my broccoli swelling
Baby,baby,baby i wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slide my cellery stick up the back of your dress
I'm your food inuendo guy
Your food inuendo guy
What's wrong baby?
Please don't go
You'll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom
Baby,baby,baby my jalepeno's red hot
I wanna stuff all of the cabbage you've got
I'm your food inuendo guy
Your food inuendo guy(solo)
Baby,baby,baby you got eggplant parmigana
Baby,baby,baby bite my zuchinni if you wanna
I got fresh fruit salad, don't get it from no can
Your string bean days are over, i'm your cucumber man
I'm your food inuendo guy
Your food inuendo guuuuuuuuuuy
So tasty!
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