Christmas Turkey

This year at christmas, everybody's feeling funny
No one's making joyful sounds
Cranberry sauce ain't staying down
The lineups at the bathroom are longer than at the mall
Everybody's meeting vincent
The christmas virus

Vincent the christmas virus
He's the one that'll keep you up all night
He's the festive parasite
Vincent the christmas virus
He's the gift that keeps on giving all night long

Vincent the christmas virus ain't killed by penicillin
Doesn't notice aspirin
Don't matter if you're fit and trim
But vincent's not immune to the effects of alcohol
So get real drunk on christmas day
Let's all toast to vincent (yay!)

*fiddle solo*

*guitar solo*

Vincent the christmas virus
*more fiddle solo*
Vincent the christmas virus
*more guitar solo*
Vincent the christmas virus
*more fiddle solo*
Vincent the christmas virus
*fiddle and guitar solos*

Christmas makes me realize how greatly things do change
Friends lose touch, people age, and family moves away
But it is what had stayed the same that gives me the most tears
For i've had the same christmas cake for almost thirty years

Granny made it back in sixty-eight and gave it to my mom
Who gave it to her uncle who gave it to her son
Who then gave it to me and that is where it stuck
For i was only three months old and clearly out of luck

Each christmas of my childhood that fruit-brick would return
My mom would place it on a plate and tell me i must learn
That it is rude to get a gift and not put it to use
And every year i'd take a bite and chip another tooth

After fifteen years of misery i'd had all i could take (all i could take)
That summer i went camping and dropped it in the lake (in the lake)
I thought that i was rid of it, but on christmas eve (christmas eve)
There it was "from santa claus" under the christmas tree (christmas tree)

Each year i'd try to lose it but it would just return
So i cried out "oh why have i been given such a burden?"
A voice replied, "it's not a curse, but the greatest gift"
"for when all else abandons you, you will still have it."

For all of man's creations slowly waste away
Relationships do crumble and buildings do decay
The pyramids and stonehenge slowly disappear
But if they were made of christmas cake they'd last a million years

One year i got a dog for christmas
And i gave it to the boy next door
Then i gave him my bike and my mom's bank card
Cuz that's what christmas is for
I used to give a lot at christmas
You might say i gave to much
Until my family was broke and we had no place to live
That's why christmas sucks

I went down to the mall each christmas
Had to the santa what to bring
A train, a bike, a pony and a great big pile of cash
And please don't get my sister anything
But the shopping mall santa has been drinking
His nose is red from years of drinking scotch
He probably won't remember what's on my christmas list
This father christmas sucks

Christmas sucks, christmas sucks
Getting stuff is much for fun
You gotta look out for number one
Christmas sucks

Christmas became worse as years went by
It was the most dreaded time of year
My parents got me clothes that just weren't cool
When all i want is money to buy beer
There was a girl at church who i was sweet on
So in the christmas play i was the ox
I really think she liked me til i stepped on baby jesus
Even for our saviour christmas sucks

Christmas sucks, christmas sucks
Getting stuff is much for fun
You gotta look out for number one
Christmas sucks

Now that i am thirty-eight years old
The only things i get are ties and socks
My kids are never happy with what's under the tree
Soon they'll understand christmas sucks
Whoa, every freakin' year christmas sucks

Christmas sucks
Christmas sucks
Christmas sucks
Hey! hey! hey!

Christmas sucks

It's christmas in ignace
Mommy's got a rock
She'll give it to daddy
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace
Daddy's got a rock
He'll give it to mommy
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)

Oh, it's a jolly time (here in ignace)
As we decorate the christmas rock
It's a happy time
And if the children are good they'll get toys to play with
Like rocks

It's christmas in ignace
Bob's got a rock
But he's gonna keep it
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace
Jill's got a rock
She gives it to bob
Now he's got two
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)

Oh, it's a jolly time
As we sit and watch rocky 1,2,3,4,5
It's a happy time
Except for malcolm
His tongue is stuck to the sign that says,
"welcome to ignace"

It's christmas in ignace
And all through the houses
Not a creature is stirring
Except for the rats
That live here in ignace
Under the rocks
That are played with by children
And thrown at malcolm
Who's stuck to the sign that says
"welcome to ignace"
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
Oh, yeah!

The holidays are over, you've gained twenty pounds
The cat's choking on tinsel, pine needles stalk the ground
There are no cards in the mailbox, just a stack of bills
Yes, the holidays are over and you are feeling ill

Have a happy christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
The eggnog's made you fat, the party is over
'cept for your wacky uncle who is still drinking your beer

Turkey's great on christmas but after a whole month
Of turkey pie and stew you start to dread lunch
Breakfast is more frightening for all there is to eat
Is fourteen christmas cakes and a bag of cranberries

Have a happy christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
Your uncle's in the bathroom and granny's on the sofa
And you start to wish that they'd just disappear

You ate too many liquor-filled chocolates
Got no money left in your pockets
But at least you got lots of
Ugly sweaters and bow ties and socks

You're skin is pale and pasty, your energy is spent
Along with all the money you need to pay the rent
The children are all crying 'cuz they've broken all their toys
Is this misery worth one day of joy?

Have a happy christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
Your uncle has passed out on granny on the sofa
And you start to wish that you could disappear

Christmas is here, where did the time go?
Got to load up the reindeer, put on my red suit and go
I use to like christmas, but every year it gets worse
Gettin' gift to six billion people is just too much damn work

Got the christmas blues, man this job is killin' me
And most of these stupid new houses don't even have chimneys

I use to be jolly, now i'm depressed
Had a twinkle in my eye, now i've got a bullet proof vest
Cuz if the pace don't kill me, some gun totin' yahoo will
They keep on shootin' at me like i'm some sort of big fat red criminal

Got the christmas blues, i'm starting to see
That i gotta be some sort of loser to get paid in milk and cookies

Man, i hate kids, especially their letters
Cuz i always give 'em some stuff, man, but they always say they want somethin' better
Well, maybe i'm getting cranky cuz i'm gettin' old
But i just feel like giving all them stupid little brats great big lumps of coal

I got the christmas blues, man, enough's enough
Next year you can find some other sucker to deliver all this stuff
I got the christmas blues, i tell you, i'm gonna quit
Gonna find me a steady job with good benefits

Ho ho ho? i don't think so!

When christmas rolls around santa's in his shop
Managing his elves and trying to cut costs
His plant is out of date, it needs modernization
He has quite a large debt accumulation

Elves are expensive, they do not come cheap
You would not believe the bills for the heat
Santa stands to lose everything he owns
If he defaults on yet another of his loans

Things are looking bad for santa
He can slip down chimneys but he can't balance accounts
Things are looking bad for santa
If he wrote a cheque it probably would bounce

He hires an accountant to come and advise
The accountant says that he has been unwise
Even if the costs were cut down drastically
It's still hard to make money giving things away for free

Santa claus decides to wipe the slate clean
Lays off half the elves and buys modern machines
Then he auctions off all unnecessary stock
He gets a lot for rudolf from ripley's believe it or not

Things are looking bad for santa
He's made all sorts of changes but it hasn't fixed a thing
Things are looking bad for santa
Misses claus has left him and the elves are picketing

Hey! hey! ho! ho! the big fat pig has got to go!
Hey! hey! ho! ho! the big fat pig has got to go! (he's gotta go!)

Santa's had enough, he locks the elves outside
Butchers all the reindeer and sells off all their hides
Sells his shop to disney and leaves the north pole
To go find cheaper labour down in mexico

Feliz navidad (ho ho ho )
Feliz navidad (ho ho ho )
Feliz navidad, la la la bamba, feliz navidad (another margarita, senorita)
Feliz navidad (have you been a good girl this year?)
Feliz navidad (here's a couple of extra pesos)
Feliz navidad, la la la bamba, feliz navidad
Ho ho ho!