C'est Chee

Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun

And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song

Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough

So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year

Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer

Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone

If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like walt disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice

But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might

Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
(random calling out of names, including ralph, bill, ralph kramden,
Skippy, the bush kangaroo, and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu- that leads into
"dangerous")

Darling for you
I think of what i'd so
To keep you safe and sound
I would climb the highest mountain
I would swim the widest sea
I would wrestle a gorilla to the ground
I would fend off a dozen charging rhinos
I would catch a storm of killer bees
I would fight a firey dragon with a wooden sword
If i didn't know what this could do to me

'cause it's too dangerous (too dangerous)
I'd really like to do it
But i might get hurt
It's dangerous (too dangerous)
I don't feel like bleeding
On my brand new shirt
You might say i'm cowardly
Or say i'll full of fright
You might call me yellow
And baby you'd be right!

So i'd skip across volcanoes full of lava
I'd even grab a tiger by the tail
I would make fun of
A boxing champion's mother
But my courage and my bowels both would fail
I would fight off a bunch
Of angry kosacks
I would stop a thousand
Bullets with my hand
I would laugh
As my leg was amputated..
But baby, i'm not that kind of man!

'cause it's too dangerous (too dangerous)
I use big words
But i never do the deed
It's dangerous (too dangerous)
I faint like a baby
If i see somebody bleed
I haven't got a backbone
I'm as timid as a mouse
I would find a cure for this
But i can't leave the house!

Cause it's dangerous
Too dangerous
Too dangerous

For meeee! (*this note is held for 25 seconds*)
For meee! (*this note is held for 10 seconds*)
For me. (*this note is held for 2 seconds. then trevor probably passes out*)

From the deepest, darkest depths of...whitby!
Comes this sordid tale of speed...
Murderous mayhem..
Cataclysmic combustion...
Picturesque powered pistons...
Accellerating automotive alarms...
Stunningly stupifying stereo stunts!
One man... a dream... a car... a 1984... plymouth... horizon...

I loved the car from tail to grill
I wouldn't change a thing
I wouldn't trade the ashtray
For the queen's engagement ring
But things they started going wrong
And went from bad to worse
The clutch went kinda funny
Then i couldn't use reverse
Still i loved my baby
And would not admit defeat
Just because it left a trail
Of rust along the street
It kept on running bravely
On duct tape and a prayer
Plus a monthly tribute to
The guy who did repairs
It all seems so unfair (the man was glad the day he bought)

Horizon!
Horizon!

Till one day on the parking lot
They called 401
My car became the meat between
A buick-honda bun
I saw some parts go flying
That you really need to drive
My car had become roadkill
Though it never was alive
Left a muffler in the passing lane
A hubcap in the slow
The windshield on the median
A headlight in the snow
And as i skidded off the road
The other drivers laughed
My middle-finger greeting
Would be my epitaph
Death would come at last (here lies the man who dared to buy)

Horizon!

Now i look at my bent fender
The twisted wheel rim
I wonder if horizon
Will ever drive again
But i know that this was not the end
Road warriors die hard
And i signed this mr. iacoca's
Organ donor card
The steel will get recycled
And they'll build another car
Bigger, faster, stronger
An automotive star
My quest will then begin
And revenge will soon be mine
As i drive my gleaming three-door
Orange chrysler frankenstein
Searching for that buick
To try to end its days
We'll settle off the score
And then we'll drive away (the sun will rise again on the)

Horizon!
My horizon!
My horizon!

I once was a happy man
Of sound and stable mind
Then my neighbour got a dog
He put a ribbon on its head
To make it cute
But it still looked like
A chihuahua

He had me over
To watch it sit and beg
It bit my knee
And made love to my leg
Now it barks all the night
And all of the day
Whenever it's not peeing on my lawn

I didn't get to sleep last night
Till very late
The stupid dog barked
And grred
I woke up late
And ran to catch the bus
But i slipped on a turd

I was certain
It wasn't one of mine
With that that dog
Had crossed over the line
I wanted to exterminate
It and all its kind
From my lovely little suburb

I'm gonna kill the dog next door
Ain't gonna bark anymore
'cause this is judgment day
The little runt has got to pay
No more turds on my lawn
That stupid mutt will soon be gone
I'm gonna kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill that dog

I see the little monster
In my garden
So i grab an axe and off i go
And i try my best to get it
All i do is sever my big toe
My neighbour comes
Outside to calm me
He says his dog and me
Should just be friends
He puts his little pet
In my forgiving hands

Then it starts to bite
So i strangle it with all my might
Oh oh oh oh ohhhhh

I'm gonna kill the dog next door
Ain't gonna bark anymore
'cause this is judgment day
The little runt has got to pay
No more turds on my lawn
That stupid mutt will soon be gone
I'm gonna kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill that dog

Now the little mutt's
In doggie heaven
I strangled it to death
And now i'm free
But my trouble ain't
Quite over
My neighbour called
The cops on me
I end up at
The police station
Where i am told
That i must pay
A three hundred
Dollar fine

(*long pause*)

Wow!!
What a great value!
I think i'll kill my neighbour too!
Oh oh oh oh ohhhhh!

I'm gonna kill the guy next door
Won't call the cops anymore
I never liked him anyway
Three hundred isn't much to pay!
There are turds on my lawn
They must be his, his dog is gone
I'm gonna kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill that guy

One, two, three, four...

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
There'd be no more crime, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
We wouldn't need the police no more, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
(yeah!)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Nobody'd ever get shot, 'cause everybody'd have a gun! (makes sense!)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?

We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We'd all feel safe, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun? (had a gun)
Everyone'd be equal, 'cause everybody'd have a gun!
Not me, i got me a rifle!
Well hang on, if you got yourself a rifle then i wanna get me a semi-automatic weapon!
You get a semi-automatic weapon and i'm gonna want an automatic weapon!
You get yourself an automatic weapon, i'm gonna get a super-automatic weapon!
Well if you get a super-automatic weapon, then i'm gonna get a
Super-duper-automatic weapon with a cd-rom drive!
If you get yourself one of those i'm gonna get a
Super-duper-automatic weapon with a cd-rom drive, and a big old hard
Drive, and a big guitar amp so i can play btos...
(rants on while the rest of the worms sing)

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had the weapon of their choice?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had the weapon of their choice?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?

(still ranting..)
I'll go so fast i'll be able to chase you from here to saigon, and
Then i'll shoot like little nerf rockets at you and poke you in the
Eye 'cause it'll have automatic like finger-poking in the eye
Things and i'll get myself another guitar amp...

And here's a letter from bill macy of gainesville, florida
It appears to me that gainsville sun is withholding information from the public.
Recently, there was a four-column spread about a probable murder from a gun.
Another item tells of a shooting death in key biscaine
A third item tells us of a soldier shooting his wife and children.
I can count on such reports in about every issue of the sun.
We can be sure of many more incidents have occured of people being protected from injury or death, because they had a gun.
These reports can be easily obtained from the national rifle association.
I am sure they keep accurate records of such protection.
The failure to report these cases of protection is not fair.
I urge you to correct this.
I suggest a small box in every paper called "protected by guns."
Simply insert the number of such protections.
On those rare days when none are noted, simply put a zero in the box.

Thanks, bill.

Last night when i went to bed
With tangled hair upon my head
In every way i really was a kid
It happened without warning
When i woke up in the morning
I can't tell you just what happened but it did

I grew six inches in one day
It's painful when it goes that way
And now my skinny body's really achin'
And my skin just exploded
With an inch of oil it's loaded
It's so greasy you could fry a pound of bacon

My voice is changing
Out of thin air
And body parts that once were smooth
Are growing bits of hair
My voice is changing
What does it mean?
I guess i'll be a real man
Before i turn 13

I buy two pairs of jeans a week
I'm such a tall and awkward geek
I fall down when i try to play a grounder
At dinner every night i eat
A giant heaping plate of meat
Then go out with my friends for quarter pounders

And weird emotions come alive
My hormones are in overdrive
I've turned into a girl-watching creature
And all my friends their marks are shot
But they don't care because they're hot
For mrs. smith the mathematics teacher

My voice is changing
I hate to hear it crack
I pray to god i won't inherit
Dad's hairy back
My voice is changing
When will it end?
And when will mom stop kissing me
In front of all my friends?

Pretty soon i bet i'll
Be right into heavy metal
But my parents say at least it isn't rap
I'll start wearing stupid clothes
And threaten that i'll pierce my nose
And tell my parents all they like is crap

The first girl that i ever kiss
Will be the one and who could miss
Our love forever written in the stars?
But i don't think our love will last
Unless the four years go by fast
Till i can use the backseat of the car

My voice is changing
Out of thin air
And body parts that once were smooth
Are growing bits of hair
My voice is changing
What does it mean?
I guess i'll be a real man
Before i turn 13

My voice is changing
I hate to hear it crack
I pray to god i won't inherit
Dad's hairy back
My voice is changing
When will it end?
And when will mom stop kissing me
In front of all my friends?

Cha-cha-cha!